Anxiety

“Something’s wrong with her” the senior female drill sergeant said to another drill sergeant…referring to Bobbie. When Bobbie heard this, she felt abnormal again, and really believed that something was wrong with her. Afterall, her mother often said those very, hurtful words whenever she was drunk. Even her father would ask, “What’s wrong with you now?” or “What are you crying about now?” Bobbie recalls certain moments where she didn’t know what to say or do. One time, her drunken mother said to her, “What the hell are you looking at? I’m going to dig those eyes out!” Bobbie immediately looked away, and then her mother said, “How dare you disrespect me by looking away!” Bobbie didn’t know how to react. She constantly lived in fear, and worried whether her next move would piss off her mother. She often thought to herself, “What if I make my mother so angry that she decides to pour boiling water on me? Like she did my dad?” It seemed like Bobbie could never do anything right. “You ruined my life!” her mother used to accuse her every now and then. “Your real father left us because you cried excessively as a baby! You drove him away! (which turned out to be a false story…something Bobbie found out in her early thirties)” She would also tell Bobbie, “Stan (Bobbie’s American father) left us because you didn’t try hard enough to keep the family together! You were always too busy spending time with your friends!” and “Why were you even born?”

Note: The post, “Accomplishment” shows that just because someone has anxiety at times doesn’t necessarily mean that something’s “wrong” with him/her.

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~ by Bobbie on November 10, 2011.

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