Today’s Theme: Epiphany

– Love (Cause and Effect, Conditional vs. Unconditional, Love of Others and
True Love of Self)
– Genuine Forgiveness (Not just “forgiving” because it’s the right thing to do)
– Self-Awareness

Overview before the story:

In order to change for the better (to evolve as souls), we must understand our true being…that is, not only are we made up of Mind, Body, and Soul (all three that we should nourish), but we are who we are today because of ALL our past experiences (whether good, bad or ugly). Embracing only the good memories and resisting to face the bad is in itself denying a part of who we truly are. Therefore, it is wise to recognize and heal some of our repressed, negative feelings that’s been stored in our subconscious/unconscious throughout our lives (since they affect our daily thoughts, feelings and behavior without us even being aware of it in our conscious state of mind). Our subconscious not only controls our automatic, bodily functions, but it is also the main database of most of our experiences that we don’t (on a day-to-day basis) consciously think about.

For example, even if we say that we have high self-esteem (from a conscious level), we may not really “think, feel or act” like we have high self-esteem and feel frustrated because we don’t understand what’s going on. If we have hidden/repressed negative feelings about ourselves, our subconscious will convince us that we actually have low self-esteem due to what was programmed into our subconscious from our negative, past experiences that we strongly believed in at the time. Now, we can choose to live in conflict for the rest of our lives, or we can take control of our lives by having a better understanding of ourselves.

In order to reprogram our subconscious (or undue negative, ingrained beliefs about ourselves) so that we can believe that we truly do have high self-esteem, we must first recognize the existence of these negative feelings about ourselves. Face our fears. Once we acknowledge that they are there, we embrace them with understanding, rather than curse them. Like Nealde Donald Walsch said, “What you resist…persists.” One of the ways to truly embrace past negative experiences (and turn them into life lessons well learned) is through genuine forgiveness. We say to it, “I’m grateful that you have given me this so-called negative experience (this wisdom) so that I may remember who I truly am.” For example, “You have been very hurtful to me, and I have learned that that is not the type of person that I wish to be. I have learned to be more empathetic and compassionate towards others because of you. You have helped define who I am.” Once we’ve accepted the ultimate truth…that the disguised “negative” experience was indeed a “positive” one, then can we truly be at peace with ourselves and others. Not only will we “know” the truth, but we will “feel” the truth. The combination of the two is very powerful. Repeating to ourselves positive affirmations, such as “I have high self-esteem” (with genuine feeling) will effectively reprogram our subconscious mind. Only then will we truly believe in ourselves at both a conscious and subconscious level which will manifest in our thoughts, feelings and behavior.

    I had a dream last night that started this epiphany…something I had neglected for a long time. I’ve had dreams in the past that reminded me of times where I felt rejected/used/betrayed, etc. but I always managed to brush it off. It never occurred to me that my repressed, negative feelings might be affecting my thoughts, feelings and behavior in my daily life. Finally, I became more aware. I initially dreamed about my husband who later turned into my first boyfriend (JT). When I asked him if he wanted to end our relationship and be with this girl that he was sitting next to, he asked me, “What do you want?” And I said, “Just be honest” and then I saw JT crying heavily, and he said to me, “I don’t want to see you anymore.” And then he said in Korean, “I was only with you because I was lonely…” and then said something about college. I said something like, “That’s messed up” and cried feeling rejected.

Analysis of SELF: There were times throughout my life when I wondered why I didn’t seem to love myself, and even had a hard time believing that someone could truly love me. Later in my adult years, I came to an understanding (and continue to do so) that there are various factors that come into play that have created this low self-esteem. Besides my parents, who obviously had a strong influence in how I perceived myself, there were other people who made a major impact on my life. One of those people was my first boyfriend. Through him, I experienced yet again being loved, and then not being loved (rejected), which can make someone very confused and hurt. The first time I had this experience is when my dad (the one who raised me) rejected me when I was in ninth grade, and the third time I had this experience was when my mother said she was going to disown me when I was around 21 years old. The fourth time was with my first/ex-husband when we got a divorce. Last but not least, the fifth time with my biological father when he didn’t want to stay in touch with me, after we had met for the first time, when I was in my mid- thirties.

I believe my repressed feeling of “being a reject” by those I loved/love has resurfaced (in my dream again) in order for me to finally let go of that negative feeling and heal. The negative feeling is the feeling of not being worthy of love (love from others and love for self) due the experiences of being rejected. I believe JT is just one of the symbols in my dreams that I’ve decided to finally acknowledge. I often dream about my parents, my first/ex-husband, and my kids as well, so I always knew at some deep level that they were continuing to affect my thoughts, feelings and behaviors, even though they were nowhere near me. In the past, I’ve expressed myself through writing about my life experiences, to include major influences in my life such as my parents, my first/ex-husband, and my biological father. Doing so has been very therapeutic, and I’ve been able to better understand those “negative” experiences and forgive them/set them free. However, I never wrote out my experiences with one of my major influences in my life, which is my first boyfriend. Today is my opportunity to do so, so that I may release yet another feeling of “rejection” that’s been a part of my life.

When he broke up with me in high school (1990: my Junior year, his senior year), he said that he thought of me more like a sister. I don’t recall saying anything…just leaving immediately and feeling numb. As I speed-walked away, heading home, I balled my eyes out. The last time I cried so uncontrollably was when my dad told me to get the hell out of his office and that I wasn’t even his real daughter…and that was just a couple years before then. I recall being very hurt at the time—losing a lot of weight, sleeping for long hours, having very low self-esteem, and having major trust issues (especially with men). I was devastated and depressed, because at that time, I felt like JT was the only person who ever loved me.
Even a couple days after my 16th birthday, he came by my house (although we had been broken up the whole summer) with a small cake. My mother was like, “What’s that? It’s not like its Christmas or anything!” I then told her that it was my birthday cake and walked away into my bedroom. Both my parents then realized that they had forgotten my birthday (even though we were all on vacation in Jejudo at the time), and they ended up throwing me a twenty dollar bill. JT also wrote a letter stating “I love you” one hundred times believing that that would get us back together. I don’t recall if that was the same day though. But moments like those explains why I was so attached to him. Anyway, come to find out, he was cheating on me with Korean girls (out in town) who were much older than him the entire time we had been going out. His best friend once said to me, “JT may have a lot of girls, but you’re the only one who he truly loves.” Like that was supposed to be music to my ears. Go figure, he was attractive, smart, rich, funny…and he had a great personality. Why would someone like that want me, I thought. So, I decided to emotionally let go of him.

    In 1991, when I was leaving Korea, I was on the plane talking to some Chinese dude who happened to be sitting next to me. Then, all of a sudden, someone hit me on the head with a rolled up cardboard looking thing while passing by. It was JT. Apparently, he was in Korea at the time visiting his family. At that moment, I thought it was merely a coincidence that we ended up on the same flight. But later, I found out that he had obtained my flight info from the Airline ladies who worked on post, whom he was friends with. How clever. During the flight, at one of the meal times, I felt an urge to give my artificially-grilled steak-like meat to JT, because I was aware of how much he could eat and I didn’t think he had enough to eat. After we got off the flight, he handed me a pre-paid phone card and asked me to call him in San Hose. So we stayed in touch like friends. He then surprised me one day when he drove all the way from San Jose to Anaheim to visit me at my step-brother’s house. We went to a small carnival and rode this one ride that flips you upside down, and a bunch of coins fell out of someone’s pocket. I laughed my ass off and he shouted, “I love you!” I don’t think I responded, which might have created an awkward moment. I don’t remember. I then visited him, and the rest of the gang (our old friends whom he was roommates with), in San Hose. We decided to just remain as friends since we were obviously going in different directions.

    Four years later (1995), he came to visit me again. He took a train from California all the way to Virginia. It was fun and sad times. Fun because he would make me grand, Korean meals before and after work, even at 3 in the morning, after I got back from my night shift at the restaurant. Fun because he would make funny comments like, “The only reason you want me to go with you to (wherever) is so that you can use me to scrape the ice off your car windshield.” The sad moments were like…after drinking at a restaurant and having a conversation about the past, I confessed to him that the reason why I never invited him (or his close friends) to my house for dinner (even though he would often ask in a joking manner) was because I was ashamed of where I lived. I lived in a poor neighborhood (although my dad was making a lot of money, he was supporting two households…to include his girlfriend) and JT came from a wealthy family. I was afraid that he wouldn’t love me anymore if he found out what my status was. He replied, “You’re making me cry.” After further conversation, he also said that the reason he had said (in 1990) he thought of me more like a sister (when he was breaking up with me) was because he wanted to see me cry for the first time. He even said that he went out with a lot of girls while in college, but that I was the best. His words meant nothing to me because A) I didn’t see him that way anymore B) I didn’t trust him that way and C) he was drunk when he said that. Plus, I found out that he had secretly made calls to this girl in New York with MY phone. He claimed that they were just friends, but I called bullshit. I felt disappointed again, although we weren’t technically “boyfriend or girlfriend” so it actually didn’t matter. I guess the idea of him being sneaky again (when he didn’t have to) is what bothered me. I thought we were beyond that stage…that I could somewhat trust him again, even as a friend. Once again, there was disappointment.

    About five years later (around 2000 on February 14th), I received a portion of a weight loss program cut out of a newspaper, with a little hand-written note on top of the article that read, “It works!” The letter was post stamped from San Hose, CA with no name or return address on it. The only person I knew from that city was JT. Plus, the last time I saw him in 1995, he was fat. My intuition told me that he was informing me that he was no longer “fat” anymore. He probably thought I had judged him, and it hurt his pride. I didn’t really care that he had gained weight. During this time, my first marriage was on the rocks, so I felt as though it was some kind of sign to receive a message like that, especially on Valentine’s Day. The thought crossed my mind, “Is he the one?” That topic was never brought up, even though I would end up crossing paths with him again in the future.

    About five years later (2005), I received an e-mail from him asking how I was doing. I sent him a mean e-mail back asking him what he wanted from me now…money? Looking back, this anger stemmed from a fear that I had experienced in Virginia back in 1995, that he had once again managed to hurt my feelings by making me feel used. How it seemed like he was acting as if he wanted to get back with me, while he was secretly calling some girl in New York while I was at work. Plus, I was in a new relationship (my current/second husband), and I just wanted to forget about him. Note: I believe the reason why I continued to cross paths with JT was because there were still unresolved, repressed feelings of hurt, betrayal, and rejection. Since he was one of the key people in my life, who highly affected me emotionally, I had to face my fear (by letting go and forgiving) in order to move on with my life.

    About three years later (2008), he contacted me again, and I apologized for the mean e-mail that I sent a while back (the first step to forgiveness). That’s when he introduced me to Facebook and connected me with our old friends in high school. A small group of them apparently had a reunion already.

    So, it is understandable why he’s been in my thoughts unconsciously (because I don’t think about him consciously) for almost twenty years because he’s been in and out of my life throughout. I haven’t communicated with him since 2008, when he commented on my fb that I looked the same as before and that my current husband is handsome. I recall feeling a sense of peace at that time. I had the same feeling for JT and his new family as I did with my first/ex-husband and his current wife. I was happy for him. I suppose that’s true forgiveness. And perhaps in my dream, I was seeing myself crying heavily and actually saying to him, “I don’t want to see you anymore”…that is, even in my dreams. To see someone else crying in your dream may be a projection of your own feelings onto someone else.

They say it sometimes takes a long time for repressed feelings to resurface, and that it’s actually healthy for it to do so, as long as you can recognize it and be ready to heal. I believe this experience today is not so much about JT (he’s more symbolic of some the negative feelings I had about myself), but more about how I should finally face my fears and deal with/embrace repressed negative feelings so that I can truly experience self-love/self-worth/self respect. I always thought that meeting the man of my dreams, my current husband, who loves me unconditionally, helped me to get over any past hurt that I had experienced from another human being. But the truth is, I must first acknowledge and understand my “whole” self first (the transparent and the hidden, the good and the bad, etc.) in order to completely heal the part of me that prevents me from growing as a soul and loving myself and others. I come to a realization that I will never need anyone else to define my love for me, for I am Love. God is Love, and We (God and Souls) Are All One.


~ by Bobbie on November 10, 2011.

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