My First Encounter with a Narcissist

ram-dass-we-are-moving-toward-a-light-that-embraces-the-darkness
UPDATED: January 17, 2014

Integrating Light and Dark (<== Click on title to view in another window. This post helped me to expand my consciousness in regards to my brief relationship with my biological earth father)

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The following very helpful posts from the wonderful blog (http://thehappysensitive.com/) have been added to this post on December 22, 2013 (click title below to view in another window):

The following italicized, bulk paragraph has been updated on December 22, 2013:

Dear Earth biological father, Rollin/Ron M. Sugi (the father of Mark and Michelle from third marriage, and the father who abandoned his other four children from his first marriage and his second love affair), since you are ultimately an aspect of me, and I of you, I am going to do both of us a favor so that we may wake-up to the reality that We Are All One/individuations/souls of God, Goddess & Divine Spirit/All That Is, rather than continue to live within the illusions that we are separate. My ego self says that expressing my truth will make us both look bad in the eyes of the majority society; however, my expanded self chooses to bring us back to our truth by whatever means necessary by embracing our shadow selves/our dark sides as well as our light aspects. I now understand that the shadow aspect of you that I once angrily judged during the time that I had written this post serves as mirror to reflect my own shadow self (you are my shadow), who also passionately desires to be acknowledged as “worthy,” appreciated for her existence, celebrated by others (especially her own parents), fully embraced by her true self, and unconditionally loved by her true self and her soul brothers and sisters. As I learn the lesson of releasing judgment of the shadow aspects of people like you and myself, I AM Free to be my authentic, true self. I AM the Unconditional Love that I’ve been yearning for all of my life, and I don’t need anything or anyone (to include my biological earth parents) outside of me to fulfill what has always been within me. Thank you for serving me well with my soul growth…I now release what no longer positively serves me. I wish for you to also remember your true self at your own pace in your soul journey, whether that takes this life time, or several more lifetimes. If you choose not to learn your life lessons in this lifetime, for your soul evolution, you will reincarnate (as you claimed to believe as well, although you also claim to be Catholic) as me in one of your next lifetimes since I believe that you are a part of my expanded self within this particular universe. Remember…your true essence (as well as every other soul) is Unconditional Love Energy/Divine Consciousness. I pray that you consciously raise your vibration, observe with eyes of God within and around, and change from within so that your outer reality will reflect your inner world. Take care. I love you unconditionally…Bobbie
“Every person, place, situation, or object you perceive in your daily journey reflects and represents a part of yourself.  They each have life contexts of their own as well—though they have lent their images to YOU, in this time and place, so your special process can be accomplished.  Your JOURNEY into the World of Form.  In other life contexts, you also return that favor for them.” By http://www.reconnections.net/small_self_expanded_self.htm
Worker in Oneness:  An alternative phrase to “Lightworker” or “Dark Lord.”  A person on the Path of Reconnection is all of these things and much, much more.  He (or She) is all of God a person could ever need, and all of the Devil He would ever hope to meet.  See Children of Oneness.  A Bridge Person.  A Neo-Shaman.  In the Multiverse, the term “balance” does not necessarily refer to someone or something that exists in the “middle” of the energy spectrum.  Rather, it refers to an individual (or situation) that is capable of going to whatever extreme is necessary, in order to bring a situation back to its Oneself Center–its realization of Unity, completely and perfectly expressed through Infinite Diversity.”  By http://www.reconnections.net
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NOTE:  The following post is part of a series about the challenging process of unconditionally forgiving a biological father who abandoned me since I was a baby. The series of posts are in the following order:  
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NarcissisticParentsTraitsThe two-day visit from my biological father was interesting. He spent a day and ¾ of day (out of the two-day visit) talking about his countless achievements (awards and other recognition) in the military (Ranger and Special Forces) and civilian world (FBI and CIA), details of his wealthy lifestyle and fortune, his connections with people in power (to include politicians and celebrities like Arnold S. and Paris Hilton), his great qualities, and his movie star bulldog, Winston. As he left, he asked me to write him one my thought-provoking e-mails, so I granted his request with an eight page, last letter telling him exactly how I felt about him, both positive and negative. I also told him that he could keep his offer of putting me on his will and being a part of the so-called “Sugi Dynasty.” I thank God that my husband helped me to find my bio father so that I may realize what type of person I have no desire to become. I know now that I didn’t miss out by not having a bio father around. I’m grateful that my true father, Stan (fake name), the one who raised me, was there for me. He’s the father whom I respect and love.

narcissism21The following is the last letter to my biological father:

Hi,

I told my husband that a particular adjective (among others) came to mind when I thought about your father. To my surprise, he guessed it spot on. Strangely though, neither one of us had ever used this word to describe anyone we ever knew. So, we looked it up just in case we had a misunderstanding of the word. The following is the definition:

  • (Narcissism) An excessive preoccupation with one’s own personal importance, or with achieving one’s own chosen goals rather than bonding with others
  • Shame is the feeling that lurks beneath all unhealthy narcissism and the inability to process shame in healthy ways.
  • Narcissists see themselves as perfect, using distortion and illusion known as magical thinking.
  • They also use projection to dump shame onto others.

Note: Image on right byrandigfine.com

narcissist (3)Narcissistic traits

  • An obvious self-focus in interpersonal exchanges
  • Difficulty with empathy
  • Hypersensitivity to any insults or imagined insults
  • Haughty body language
  • Flattery towards people who admire and affirm them (narcissistic supply)
  • Detesting those who do not admire them (narcissistic abuse)
  • Bragging (subtly but persistently) and exaggerating their achievements
  • Claiming to be an “expert” at many things
  • Inability to view the world from the perspective of other people

Note: Image on right by beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com 

So, I came to a conclusion that overall, your father was a narcissistic, flaky, bigot. Granted, he like everyone else had his good qualities, to include his award winning achievements and other recognition; however, he lacked what makes a human being truly amazing and honorable. You deserved a more loving father, but because everything happens perfectly…your father was perfect for you. Had your father not been the way he was, you would not be the way you are today. Thank God that some angels are disguised as “bad guys” so that other souls may experience who they truly are through them. For if this world was made up all “good guys,” then we would never know that our true nature is good because we would have nothing to compare it to. If another soul is so-called “bad,” and we don’t like how they are, then we can choose to be the opposite. Hence, we define ourselves through them.

why-do-narcissists-ignore-you (1)Unlike religious beliefs where bad people go to hell, I believe that your father will not go to hell. On the other hand, I don’t believe he will go to so-called heaven either, at least not until he evolves more spiritually. He will be reincarnated (if he chooses) into a human being (if he chooses to be one) who will have many experiences of such things as hatred, conditional love, judgment, various forms of abuse, fear, poverty and even torture in order for him to grow as a soul. After having such experiences, he will either choose to become the opposite of how he was mistreated by other people (therefore, becoming closer to God) or he will choose another path where he will become more hateful, love others conditionally, become a bigot, abuse others, instill fear into others, refuse to share, step on others to get ahead, and perhaps even torture others (therefore, rejecting God). By rejecting God and choosing the opposite behaviors of love, he will create his own version of “hell.” Hopefully, in his next life, he will choose to remember who he is truly is (a soul that is part of God), by choosing the path of love so that he may not continue to experience the dark side of life.

4jI also believe that everything we are all experiencing in this lifetime is perfect in order for our souls to evolve and to eventually become one with God. Every person, place, and thing that has played a part in our lives has been created perfectly by God and our souls. So even though it would have been nice to have been raised by you—living the life of luxury, having security and being loved unconditionally—I am very grateful that I lived the opposite lifestyle. My life experiences, though most considered ugly or bad, have made me who I am today. I may not be what society considers as successful by being highly educated, having lots of money, having a so-called perfect family, and coming from a good background, but I am a soul determined to be closer to God…to love God unconditionally, because deep down I know that God has always (and will continue to) loved me unconditionally.

The following are some reflections of my experience with you, both positive and negative:

narcissist-fakeI respect and admire the following things that you described about yourself:

  • Despite your experience of mental abuse from your father, you chose not to be that way with your own children
  • Your devotion to your mother is wonderful
  • Your love for your family is beautiful
  • Your ambition to become the grandest version of the greatest vision you ever had about yourself (a phrase by Neale Donald Walsch) in the military is very impressive
  • Your courage and perseverance to stay alive while being a POW is inspiring
  • Your love for and loyalty to your soldiers is highly admirable
  • Your contributions to your community, especially to the unfortunate children is amazing
  • Your willingness to make wrong right is respectable
  • Your love for animals is touching
  • Your unique sense of humor is stimulating when used in a genuine manner
By the way, since the above wonderful qualities were bragged by you, I took it with a grain of salt. All the truly great people I’ve ever met didn’t have a need to brag about themselves.

32276432b5fd3bfdccafd56ae2c5b546I don’t respect and/or admire the following about you:

1) Friday evening, when my husband asked me if I was okay, I told him that I was going to talk to you upstairs. He later told me that he immediately knew that I was going to give you a piece of my mind. He was right, and I didn’t want to talk to you about what was bothering me in front of my husband. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. By the way, he was upset that night because he knew I was upset. He didn’t want to mention to me what he had noticed about you because he wanted me to have a good experience, but he also noticed that you were mostly about talking about you during your two-day stay here. He felt bad for me because you appeared more interested in talking about your countless achievements and your movie star dog, and you left very little room to find out about your daughter whom you haven’t had a relationship with for 38 years. It was only until I talked to you upstairs that you showed interest in finding out more about me.

Note: Image on right by www.pinterest.com 

c2ace83faed19c3a4682305ee3efed26You claimed you were planning on asking me questions, since you wanted to know so much about me; however, actions speak much louder than words. By the time we went upstairs to talk, it was already 1830. So exactly when were you planning to ask me questions about my life? You knew we had to leave for the airport at 0530 the next day, so when was I supposed to share my side of the story with you in person? You spent a day and ¾ of a day talking about your life. Granted, it’s understandable that you can’t cover 76 years in two days. Well, that’s why one would exchange stories, like you tell your side one day and then I tell mine another. It wasn’t necessary for me to hear every little detail about things like your military missions (I’m not talking about your POW experience), your life with your second wife, your luxurious lifestyle, etc. That would be like me spending hours telling you every little detail about one of my boyfriends and every single field exercise or mission I had in the Army. We can share those type of details later down the road. Yet, at 1830, I had to ask you to go upstairs with me just to initiate a conversation. It’s sad that Friday evening was the only time you gave me your full, undivided attention. For a day and ¾ of a day, I gave you my full, undivided attention hoping that at some point (after the first day) you would show interest in learning about me. Like I said before, our conversation was like the conversations I have with my step-mother…it was usually a one way communication. Like you, she is not a good listener, let alone an active listener…unless someone insists that she listens carefully. It’s not the same when you basically have to request for someone to hear you out. It doesn’t feel genuine. Also, most people, if they had not met their daughter or son in 38 years, would want to hear their story first, rather than insisting on doing most of the talking about themselves for a day and ¾ of a day.

Note; Image on left by www.pinterest.com 

d547e2eecd8de328d6c4ff0106e9d7c1 (1)Even after our conversation upstairs, you continued to make it obvious that you lacked interest. I didn’t bother to say anything anymore because I learned that it’s a waste of time. Like the old saying goes, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink it.” We took a break from our conversation upstairs so that we could eat dinner. Although I had only told you half my story, you showed no interest whatsoever to continue our conversation during and after dinner. Instead, after you felt better, you enthusiastically talked about your additional achievements, your encounter with Arnold Schwarzenegger and how much he was impressed with you and Jake’s encounter with Maria Shriver. Even after dinner, you continued to talk about you and your life experiences.

Note: Image on right by www.pinterest.com 

2) The only request I ever asked you that was material in nature, before you came to visit, was for you to bring some baby pictures of me since I only saw a few when I was growing up. You mentioned that it was no problem and that you would go through your albums and bring some with you, but you didn’t bring any, and you didn’t seem too sorry about it either. I know that if my mom asks if you brought the pictures, and I tell her that you didn’t, she’ll make a comment like, “It’s no surprise.” Although I asked you via e-mail (once) and in person (twice) for us to take some pictures together (since we never did), you agreed to at a later time, but then brushed me off both times. Even my husband noticed it. I shouldn’t have to beg you to take a picture with me. The only picture you showed any interest in (a few times) was my so-called wedding picture. It made me feel like you only wanted a “nice” picture of me to show off, rather than a current picture of me. I get it…like you mentioned, I gained weight.

narcissism233) When we visited you in 2008, you had the need to tell me while we were eating (out of the blue) that your dad only left you a dollar in his will. I instantly knew that you thought I wanted money from you, and you were basically informing me that you didn’t have any. It was very disappointing that you would think that of me when you didn’t even know me. During this two-day visit, you mentioned that your dad changed his will in 2007 from leaving you a dollar to deciding to leave you whatever amount. As you can see, although he had changed his will in 2007, you still told me in 2008 that he had only left you a dollar. This clearly shows that your perception of me was (or still is) a gold digger, which is a slap in the face. I’d rather die a homeless person than take your money while you’re thinking that I’m a gold digger. I no longer have a desire to be any part of the so-called “____Dynasty.” My husband does not want his name on your trust as well. I survived almost 40 years without any help from you, and I will continue to do so.

4) When we went shopping at the mall, and I didn’t care to go on some shopping spree, you accused me of sand bagging (twice), which was another insult to me. It’s like, you keep judging me before you even get to know me. Even when my mom takes me shopping, whenever I visit her (because she insists), I may buy one or two things that I really like that’s not expensive. But I choose not to spend her money on things I have little or no interest in because I know that she can use the money for more important things, like rent, utilities and food. I even told my husband that I didn’t want you to spend that much money when you came to visit because I was still under the impression that you didn’t have that much money. I also figured that you had many other expenses to include, putting Jake and Mia through medical school, paying off your huge house, and paying for your deceased wife’s cancer treatment. Yet, your impression of me was that I was sand bagging you. Every time I’ve visited my kids and went shopping, I’ve never bought anything for myself because my focus was on them. Even if I ever had a ridiculous amount of cash that I could spend on myself, no one could pay me to do so in front of my kids knowing that they don’t even have the best things in their lives. I would be so ashamed of myself if I bragged to my kids (while visiting them) about the details of how I live the life of luxury not realizing that they eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches every single day for lunch because they live in near poverty.

5) The reason why my Seoul aunt (my mom’s youngest sister) is no longer my favorite aunt is because she misused God’s blessings. She is the only successful, wealthy, educated member of the ____ family. Although she is clearly aware of the difficult financial status and living condition of her five sisters (one who’s adopted)  and brother, during family gatherings, she continuously brags about her multiple achievements and recognition, wealthy lifestyle (especially her golf games, high-end restaurants, and extravagant shopping sprees), her toy dog, and her connections with powerful people, to include celebrities. She’s completely insensitive to other people’s feelings, and she’s the perfect example of why many people in this world are turned off by religious, yet hypocritical, people.

She’s an excessively chatty person who interrupts people when they get a nanosecond of a chance to talk. She makes it very obvious that she cares less about what others have to say with her yawns, lack of interaction during conversations, and bored facial expressions. Other family members bring and make food during the gatherings, while she naps (while others are cooking) and then takes extra food home. My mother tried to talk to her several times about her selfish and clueless ways, but her words just went in one ear and out the other. Only until recently did she slowly start to change her ways because of her new husband. I lost all respect and admiration for her. It’s a sad sight that a grown, educated woman in her sixties doesn’t know (or could care less to know) the meaning of empathy, selflessness, humbleness, unity, giving, and last but not least love. It’s no wonder her daughter/my close cousin (at 16) committed suicide by jumping off a ten story building. She continuously neglected her daughter because she was too busy in her materialistic world.

6) I couldn’t believe you had the audacity to ask me, in a frustrated manner, why I didn’t bother to find you while I was in California between 1991 and 1992, especially when there was internet access. I instantly knew at that moment that you were projecting your guilt of not trying to find me onto me, which is wrong on all levels. Like I explained to you before, at that time, I didn’t even know your full name, and I grew up believing that you abandoned my mother and me. In addition, who had the responsibility, power, finances and resources to find who?

7) I just realized something about you which changed my perception of you. Overall, you’re not honest. You may say some honest things, but you can be deceptive, revealing half-truths to your advantage. What kind of man (or father, as you like to be referred to as) tells his soon-to-be wife (my mom) that he’s going to TDY, knowing in his heart that he has no intentions of returning? You were still married to your first wife until you got a divorce in 1974 (most likely when you went “TDY”). Then, after you abandoned my mom and me in 1974, you shortly married your second wife in 1975. You told me that you were too busy with your missions that you didn’t have a chance to find us. Yet, you had time to find another wife. You claimed that you left your P.O Box address with my mom and didn’t hear from her possibly due to a plane (carrying letters) being shot down, yet, you made no effort to find out if she had tried to contact you. Because, what if she did write you and a plane carrying the letter crashed? You didn’t care to find out. You mentioned that you couldn’t even remember where my grandmother lived (hence, you couldn’t find us); yet, you bragged about being able to tell your location by using the stars while in the military.

8) Another thing…how does a person, after being married for almost thirty years, date another woman after mourning for his spouse (who died of cancer) for only four months? It’s sad to hear that your deceased wife would say that she would want you (a 76 year old man) to remarry after she’s gone. What does that say about your character? Are you that needy of constant attention from others? Most people, if they truly love someone would not have a desire to marry them, knowing that they only have 6-9 months to live. Why would you want to leave someone a widow after being married for only 6-9 months? How selfish is that? What are you trying to prove? That you’re able to get yet another very, successful Caucasian woman? We noticed that you only bragged about how your second and third wives came from prestigious backgrounds. Yet, you barely talked about your first Asian wife and my mom.

9) You should reread the definition and traits of a narcissist. Now I’m confident that it applies to you too. I even met a soldier who was diagnosed with narcissistic disorder; yet, I didn’t label him a narcissist because I could tell that deep down he was a good guy. You’re the first person I’ve ever met in 38 years that I determined is a narcissist. You’re extremely shiny on the outside, but very dark on the inside. That’s much worse than being an asshole on the outside, because at least that’s honest. You said that you have a joyful nature and that you like to make jokes to people when you’re out in public. But the truth is, you only like to joke around with women. Both my husband and I noticed that about you. You discriminate who you use your kindness to and your sense of humor. That’s not genuine kindness. You just want to be noticed 24/7. You’re so desperate for attention it’s pathetic. We noticed that you constantly need to be in the spotlight. An impressive person ensures that others enjoy the spotlight as well. Impressive people ensure that others get a chance to tell their side of the stories. Truly impressive people have no need to brag period, or even try to convince others that they’re not bragging. The worse type of arrogant person is the one who constantly tries to convince others that they’re not.

Anyway, I’m grateful that my husband helped me to find you. Like I mentioned before, I was always curious who this other half of me was, and now I know. You, like every other soul whom I’ve encountered throughout my life, have helped me to define who I wish to be through your presence. For many years I asked God why I crossed paths with certain people who were so hurtful, and now I finally understand why. For instance, the girl who was in my high school humiliated me not once but twice came into my life so that I can remember that she is not the person whom I wish to become. I used to envy her in high school because she was pretty, well educated, popular with the boys, had a good family background, and was rich. After I experienced her presence the second time, I learned that she is not the type of person that I envy, let alone admire or respect, because only a very shallow person has the ability to say what she had said to me. She is another example of someone who is perceived by society as someone who has everything the world can offer, but like an empty, beautifully wrapped present, she has nothing impressive on the inside. I’ve decided to no longer ask God “why” questions, but rather just trust Him. They say hindsight is 20/20, which is so true. As I look back at my life, I’m grateful that God gave me the perfect life experiences to be who I am today. He will continue to do so, and I will continue to grow closer to Him. So I disagree with you that I dwell in self-pity. I have improved greatly with my faith in God, unconditional love from My husband, cognitive therapy, women’s PTSD group sessions (which I still attend), and two good friends, and I will continue to do so mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. For you to make a comment like that shows once again that you don’t know me as well as you think you do. I’m not a gold digger, a sand bagger, or even a person who dwells in self-pity. I’m a survivor.

By the way, I apologize once again for using profanity while having a conversation with you on the phone yesterday. I didn’t mean to disrespect you, I was just frustrated. On the same note, don’t ever yell at me like that again, demanding that you have the right to since you’re my father. ANYONE can procreate, but that doesn’t necessarily make them a parent. You can’t just walk into my life after 38 years and demand that I treat you like a father. Consider yourself blessed that I even treat you with kindness. Most people hate their parent(s) who abandons them. The only reason why I choose to forgive and embrace people like you or my mother is because of God. I even told my mother the same thing.

As many so-called flaws as my father (who raised me) had, I still respect and love him for supporting my mother and me. I never called him my step-dad. He, too, loved me the best he knew how. He and his brothers were abandoned by both his parents, so he lived from foster home to foster home. Yet, he was kind enough to adopt me. Although there were some hurtful memories, there were also some very loving memories. My step-mother told me that one day, when one of his sons (from his first marriage) said something negative about me (that I was too emotional), my dad yelled at him saying, “You would support her during this difficult time if she was your real sister!” My step-mother then told me that my dad loved me very much, and that was the first time she witnessed him being angry with his favorite son. After the incident in Virginia, my dad asked me to come live with him, my stepmother and step-sister in Okinawa. He offered to make up his promise and pay for my tuition. He told me not to worry about paying rent or for food. However, I got a job and chipped in while attending college at UMUC on Kadena AFB. Okinawa is where I met my first husband, but that’s another story that you will never have to hear.

By the way, please tell Jake, Mia and Pam that I’m glad that my new, half brother and sisters are beautiful, very successful, and nice people. I hope they continue to have a great life.

Despite some of the contents of this letter, I don’t despise you. But then again, I’m not impressed by who you are, even though you have achieved more material things than anyone I had ever met. God has blessed you with a wonderful life…hope you enjoy the rest. Take care.

Bobbie

Continuing Post: “Different Versions of Hell”

~ by Bobbie on January 16, 2012.

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