A post about a lesson learned from the following: “10 Signs You May Be in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship”

The title of the above link caught my attention, not so much because it reminded me of a former partner or spouse, which is the type of relationship it focuses on, but because I wanted to see how accurate my beliefs are about how my relationship with my mother was, and still somewhat is now. Besides slide 7 (“Expects You to Wait on Him or Her Like a Servant), every other slide hit spot on. I was relieved to finally and completely realize that it wasn’t me being overly sensitive (like she often reminded me since I was a child) my entire life or even imagining things.

Although I love my mother because 1) she’s my mother, 2) she has some good qualities and 3) I was never able to cut her out of my life, I don’t like the fact that she has been and continues to be an emotional abuser. Granted, she can no longer physically harm me, due to our physical separation and the fact that she knows I would no longer tolerate it as an adult, but she still continues the other types of behavior associated with emotional abuse (i.e., being manipulative by using guilt trips, still trying to control certain aspects of my life, continuously trying to convince me not to have ANY relationships other than her and my husband since “people can’t be trusted”, etc.). Although I’ve improved on being more assertive with her over the years, where she actually toned down a bit, she still manages to negatively affect my emotions, and understandably so; she was the most powerful influence in my life since I recall as a child. She is the only person in this world that I allow to treat me this way, even after I finally learned to be confident with my assertiveness with others.

Well, now it’s time for a major breakthrough that will finally set me free from any type of abuse from anyone. I decided to first write her a letter expressing how I feel about our unhealthy relationship (which will allow me to fully express myself with no interruptions), and then call her a week later to discuss it. Hopefully, for her sake, she won’t go off on me like she usually does when I bring up a topic she doesn’t like, or when I confront her…otherwise, I will say my final goodbye, wish her the best in life, and decide that I no longer have a biological mother. I hope that she takes my letter well and we can have a heart-to-heart talk about it like adults. It would be nice to see that even really old people, who may be set in their negative ways, can actually change for the better. We’ll see. My strong desire for my mother to change for the better stems from my empathy for her for all the difficult times she’s been through in life since she was a child; however, I also believe that just because someone was done wrong as a child or adult doesn’t make it right for that person to do it to others. Vicious cycles must come to an end at some point, and not get passed down from one generation to another.

I’ve come to an understanding that loving someone doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to have a relationship with them, especially if the relationship is doing harm to one or both parties. True love is sometimes about letting go of the relationship so that you and/or the other party can grow spiritually by taking a healthier path in life. It has taken me a very long time to realize that I need to be my own best friend, that I deserve the best in life, and that I have every right to refuse to allow anyone to ever abuse me again…emotionally, verbally, physically and/or sexually. Enough is enough. I’d rather live and die alone with dignity than to ever be in another unhealthy/abusive relationship. I wish that others can learn this lesson while they’re young. I don’t regret that I learned this lesson now, when I’m almost “over the hill”, because I trust God that everything happened at the perfect time and place, and with the perfect souls. I’m very grateful to God for giving me various opportunities to heal and evolve as a soul, such as helping me to have faith throughout the challenging times of my life, crossing paths with kind-hearted spiritual people, getting help from individual therapy that I had little faith in, attending women’s PTSD group sessions that further empowered me, and last but not least…helping me to finally know who I am and to love myself unconditionally, just the way God knows and loves me.


~ by Bobbie on May 24, 2012.

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