Following the Narrow Path of Heart

Intuition_Jewel_Song_Lyric_Quote_in_Text_Image_1280x800_PixelsI was once in a situation where I had to make a choice…do the “right” thing according to the majority of others–thus, winning their approval–or follow my heart and be able to live with my choice; I chose the latter, which wasn’t a comfortable process.

I had a male solider who looked like the all-American guy with his blond hair, blue eyes, tall stature, strong build, polite mannerism, highly respectful attitude, and very friendly demeanor. Even though he was lower-enlisted, he was a mature man in his thirties. Like me, he had joined the Army at a later age.

I really admired Specialist (SPC; rank) Disguise. My husband even decided to give him his used car when I told him that one of my soldiers (who had four kids) didn’t have a car. Granted, it was a beat-up car, but it still did its job of taking him from point A to point B.

One day, SPC Disguise’s wife called our First Sergeant for help. Her and her husband were having problems at home. My First Sergeant spoke with me, and then sent me to SPC D’s home, since I was his platoon sergeant.

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words1SPC Disguise and his wife had four small children, and they seemed like a happy Christian family. His wife looked like the main female, character from the old, comedy movie, “Airplane”…the really sweet one. His wife had dirty blond hair, was petite and skinny, and had a sweet, high pitched voice.  As soon as I started listening to her, I sensed that she was gentle-loving and honest.

I was very surprised to hear his wife’s side of the story. I could tell she was nervous at the beginning, so I reassured her that I wouldn’t be biased, even though SPC D was my soldier.

She told me that she had caught SPC D on porn sites a few times, and he kept denying that he was actually checking them out.

I told her that I could understand why she would be frustrated, confused and upset, because he often goes around preaching about Christianity to others and tries to get others to attend church.

She also told SPC D that she was exhausted from having four babies back to back, and that she no longer wanted to have any more children. He apparently got angry with her, and told her that God says that she has to have as many babies as he (SPC D) desires.

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SURVIVOR-sexual-abuse-300x300I could understand why she wouldn’t want to have any more babies with him. She said that one time, right after having her fourth child, she was feeling very drained for a couple of weeks. Instead of comforting her, he kept insisting on having sex with her.

When she told him that she didn’t feel like having sex, he told her that God says that she has to have sex with him whenever he wants because it’s her duty as his wife.

Even though a part of me couldn’t believe my ears, another part of me was familiar to this type of character…who was a “nice guy” in the eyes of society, but behind closed doors…he was a dark being who said and did awful things to his loved one, to include sodomy and degrading his loved one by treating her like a prostitute.

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She also mentioned that she wanted to leave him, and take their kids to go live with her supportive and loving friends in New Mexico, where they strongly believed in Jesus’ teachings.

Apparently, SPC D disapproved of her decision, and threatened to tell others that he would label her as “crazy” for wanting to divorce him and join a cult, and that no one would believe her. It sounded so controlling and calculating.

I was also familiar with this type of threat, that a court would never consider me to be a fit, single parent since I had attempted suicide in my early twenties. Such controlling words can be very powerful to someone who already has low self-esteem and no other outside support from family or friends.

As I looked into her teary eyes, as she shared her heartbreaking stories, I saw myself in her. I deeply empathized with her, and I wanted to help her. When I returned to the office, I briefed my First Sergeant on the matter, and she, too, seemed to understand. However, she reminded me to ensure that I remain unbiased, and to listen to SPC D’s side of the story as well, and i agreed. We also agreed to have SPC D temporarily stay in the barracks, away from his wife and children, as she requested.

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When I approached SPC D, to talk to him about my conversation with his wife, his usual demeanor did a 180. It was a side I had never seen before–distant, rigid body posture, tightened lips, etc. He immediately had the need to mention that he believed his wife was bipolar, and that she couldn’t be trusted.

I just looked at him and then asked gently for him to be honest with me. That was the golden moment. He did a very quick glare, that I don’t even think he realized he revealed. It was a micro-expression of contempt. Although I hadn’t changed my MOS (military job) to an interrogator yet (and being able to read human behavior), I believe I was able to pick up on non-verbal cues due to being in touch with my intuition. I even instantly felt his “negative” vibes that stemmed from fear…fear of the truth being revealed.

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So, I asked him to tell his side of the story, and he admitted that he had viewed a porn site or two, but that God was okay with it because he’s a man. It was almost as if he was making up the rules as he saw fit, and I let him know that. I also explained to him that forcing one’s wife to have sex is not love, and that I was pretty sure that God doesn’t want us to do that to others.

Unfortunately, all this drama was happening around the time-frame where I was leaving my unit to receive training for my new job that i had volunteered for. I was no longer interested in being a cryptologic linguist/analyst, and the mere thought of ever running into my first platoon sergeant (at my first unit in the Army) again gave me unwanted flashbacks.

I wrote about him in an older post called, “Manipulation.” I suppose I didn’t include the word, “Rape” in the title then because I was still in the phase of denial and self-blame. It was at my final unit in the army that someone (of a similar nature) triggered that memory, which created a domino effect of events, which I wrote about in, “Discovering the Beauty Behind the Walls of the Mentally Ill.”

After receiving individual and group therapy, I was able to finally release what I had been suppressing for almost a decade. I ended up reporting him, because I was convinced by professionals that a predator usually has more than one “victim,” but it was obviously too late. A long investigation was done by the Army’s CID (Criminal investigation Department).

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The CID contacted one of the witnesses; he was the language lab NCOIC (Non-commissioned Officer In Charge). I didn’t know him personally, but i recognized him.

As soon as I came out of the bar from throwing up in the bathroom, I first saw my platoon sergeant waiting for me. That’s when he told me to follow him since we were going to meet up with the rest of the platoon at a motel (which wasn’t true).

Anyway, I saw SSG Careless at a short distance, and my platoon sergeant approached him’ they briefly talked several feet away from me. I was hoping that he would join us, but he just left. Anyway, the CID interviewed him as well, but he said he didn’t remember anything like that.

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They also contacted my first squad leader at that unit, and he even told them that I had told him about the incident the day after, but it wasn’t enough. There wasn’t any physical evidence anymore (that’s why it’s so important to report asap).

When they had interviewed my first platoon sergeant (who was now a higher grade/position), he denied everything, which was expected.

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dont-rape-signFor a while, I was so hard on myself for not reporting him right away, but then I understood why I had behaved the way I did; there were several factors that came into play:

  1. I believed it was my fault because I had been drinking at my promotion party (self-blame is a common reaction of those who have been raped; however, everyone has a right to celebrate their promotion without being taken advantage of by their own leader)
  2. Even though I had a choice not to follow him, I believed him when he said that it wasn’t a good idea to go back to post because we were all too heavily intoxicated
  3. I didn’t physically fight him off; that was my typical reaction throughout childhood and adulthood to a physically and emotionally abusive mother, verbally and physically abusive boyfriend, and an uncle who molested. I believe it stems from a belief of being powerless.  
  4. The platoon sergeant was very popular in that unit, and he was buddies with all the people in higher positions 
  5. I didn’t think anyone would believe me over him
  6. I feared it would negatively affect my career that I had just started
  7. Even though I told my squad leader (my direct leader; his direct leader was our platoon sergeant) the day after (because I wanted to talk to someone), I didn’t want to get him involved because I knew that he was dying to get out of that unit since he was leaving (PCSing) real soon.

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Although that platoon sergeant didn’t hurt me a lot physically (he thrusted aggressively, but didn’t hit me), he had taken my dignity away for many years. Because even after i confronted him the next day, he just shrugged his shoulders, laughed and said, “I was just trying to have a little fun!” as though I was some kind of worthless object to be played with.

At the start of the investigation, I send him a couple of emails (monitored by the CID) and a Facebook message, but he didn’t reply to any of them, which was also expected because he’s clever enough to cover his ass.

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shadowtextphpechoQuotesAndSayings_6fb23025675e82789c93bd71bbcfce6fI hope that he didn’t take advantage of other female soldiers. I  wonder how he would feel if he had a daughter and some asshole did that to her? He didn’t have children then, but I’m sure he does now. Surely, karma will greet him one day so that he may evolve from the experience.

Although the investigation failed to accomplish anything in the eyes of society…to me, it was still helpful. i was at least glad to let him know that it’s no longer his dirty, little secret.

In addition, I chose to forgive him unconditionally…meaning, without him apologizing. I realize that ultimately, I had this experience because I had a deep belief within me that I was unworthy, which became reflected in my outer reality in various ways (to include this incident), until it finally got my attention.

I also realize that a real man doesn’t rape a woman or girl PERIOD…a true leader doesn’t take advantage of his soldiers…and a loving soul doesn’t hurt another soul.

What’s interesting, is that whenever I choose to forgive someone from my heart for being very hurtful, and then I let it go…I always manage to hear from them or about them in the future…sometimes weeks later…sometimes months later…and sometimes even years later…but without fail, and it’s usually something “bad.” It’s almost as if God/Goddess/All That is is saying, “I got your back! And I got their back too! They will learn/remember that what they dish out to the universe will come back to them tenfold…not as punishment, but for their soul growth.”

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the world judgesI know, I seemed to have gone off into another tangent…but it’s all good, because it’s all interconnected. Anyway, after I made it clear that I wasn’t supportive of SPC D’s actions, I could tell that there was a new tension in the platoon’s atmosphere.

It was apparent that SPC D had plenty of support from his religious Christian co-workers and friends within the platoon, who had more than likely only seen his very angelic side.

About half of my platoon didn’t show up to my going-away luncheon, and they didn’t even sign an album that my peer/friend had made for me. Although a part of me felt sad, another part of me was glad to at least have some soldiers there who might have given me a benefit of a doubt. speak your truth

After I arrived at my new school for training, I received an email from my former First Sergeant, as well as my former peer (another platoon sergeant)/friend asking me to write SPC D a letter to support him in getting custody of his kids. They ended up siding with him and basically wanted me to say that I talked to his wife, and that she wasn’t stable. That went against every cell in my body, especially my heart.

I had already explained to my First Sergeant how I felt about the situation, so I didn’t care to explain myself again. And at that time, I was going through my own personal problems, so I wasn’t willing to explain everything to a newcomer who didn’t even know the whole story. I didn’t write him one, and even ’til this day, I don’t regret it. I trust that following my heart was the “right” choice, and i trust that SPC D, his former wife, and their children are all in good hands…exactly where they all should be in the Divine Plan.

I’ve learned/remembered that I don’t need anything (to include approval) from anyone anymore. Everything I ever need is within me, to include my dignity, and no one can ever take that away from me, no matter what they say or do. I choose my own paths, even if no one else cares to take them with me. I will continue to follow my heart…more than ever before.

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I came upon the following bible quote that further convinces me that words from the bible that stem from fear-based beliefs (such as the quotes below) have been manipulated, distorted and added by men, and words from the bible that stem from love are from the Divine:

Deuteronomy 22:23-24

King James Version (KJV)

“23 If a damsel that is a virgin be betrothed unto an husband, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her; 24 Then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die; the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city; and the man, because he hath humbled his neighbour’s wife: so thou shalt put away evil from among you.”

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Ca·thar·sis: The process of releasing, and thereby providing relief from, strong or repressed emotions
“Your soul is always multitasking to create new experiences for you. If you watch how you move through life, you will understand. Doing this allows many people to clear their issues by writing their story as a catharsis of their experiences here.”

~ by Bobbie on September 24, 2013.

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