Facing the Unknown: An Examination of True Love

burning-cosmic-heart-net-book-785x490The following are sub-themes to the main theme above:

  • Intro
  • True Love
  • I AM Remembering
  • Intention to Help Soul Family
  • What My Old, High School Friends Mirrored to Me
  • What My Younger, Step-Sister Mirrored to Me
  • What My Oldest, Half-Sister Mirrored to Me
  • flat,550x550,075,fWhat My Biological Father Mirrored to Me (My 2nd Greatest Challenge):
  1. Being Compassion for My Ego Self
  2. Being Compassion for My Shadow Self
  3. Integrating Ego, Shadow and True Self
  4. Acknowledging My Thoughts, Feelings & Intention
  5. Delving into the Abyss of My Soul
  • corazon_by_luisbc-d62v1ovWhat My Mother Mirrored to Me (My 3rd Greatest Challenge):
  1. Unconditional Love Lost as Conditional Love
  2. A Walk in My Soul Family’s Shoes
  3. Choosing the Meaning of a Life Experience
  4. Our Deep Yearning for Unconditional Love
  5. Ending the Passing Down of Emotional Suffering
  6. twin-flamesRemembering to Love Myself Unconditionally (My Greatest Challenge)
  • What My Friend Mirrored to Me
  • What My Main Coworker Mirrored to Me
  • Working on Changing from Within
  • Posted Message to My Soul Family
  • Videos That Helped Me

Note: Thank you megahdwallpapers.comwww.redbubble.comluisbc.deviantart.com and kayjee-pensketch.blogspot.com for beautiful images of cosmic hearts and Twin Flames above.


164947_580943755271603_75125626_n“How Does the Soul Use the Law of Attraction?

The reason you encounter hurtful situations is because of the hurtful energy that is stored inside your DNA. Your soul it is always seeking to bring you back to health and joy. It tries to release hidden and suppressed energy. It uses the Law of Attraction (like attracts like) to magnetize the people and situations that will trigger the opportunity for release.
That’s why, as a wounded female warrior, you attract wounded men. They trigger you and give you the opportunity to clear and release this stored energy. You CAN clear the hurtful energy in the DNA. And when you do, you begin moving through your life without the hurtful cellular memory. Your ego’s job is much easier because there is no hurtful energy to be released – you are not drawing hurtful situations anymore. When you move into a new situation and your ego scans for hurtful memories, it can’t find any. So your ego allows you to move into new experiences with no limitations.” http://thenewagefoundation.org/profiles/blogs/warrior-to-goddess-suzanna See video at bottom of post

ladscape-field-Melody-BeattieI’m so grateful whenever I receive inspiring and uplifting messages from other soul brothers and sisters from all aspects of God/Goddess/All That Is, gifts from this magnificent and generous universe.

I feel blessed, and I wish to return the favor by sharing what I’ve been inspired to write about with others.

There are many spiritual and loving beings who have reminded me of who I truly am (although I’m still working on fully loving myself and others unconditionally), and I’ve added their readings and videos in the CATEGORIES section of my blog under “Reading and Videos That Resonate with Me.”

Note: Thank you www.pinecraft.com  for profound quote and peaceful image on left.

Energy_Healing_Level_3-318x350Even though I’m not religious, I do still enjoy watching Joel Osteen’s televised sermons every week because he is such a lovable, generous, honest, assertive, humble, empowering, understanding, empathetic, compassionate, forgiving, accepting,  and unconditionally loving soul overflowing with sparkling, positive energy, to include a great sense of humor.

I don’t know him personally, but I feel that he’s one my favorite human beings I’ve known in this lifetime. What a wonderful world we would live in if we could just clone approximately one million of him. 😉

The more I remember my authentic/true self/soul, and choose to Be who I truly am (rather than who I think I am–my ego), a Divine Being/part of God/Goddess/All That Is, I trust that I will meet very positive beings like Joel.

I believe, as I transform my inner world deep within me into a more positive temple, I will continue to project the positive love energy onto my outer world, and every being, thing and event will reflect it back to me like a mirror.

Two of my recent favorite messages that uplifted and inspired me are: message #595, “Loving Unconditionally” (that was scheduled on October 27, 2013) and message #574R, “Take Control of Your Happiness” (that was scheduled on November 10, 2013). You can watch all his videos through Joel Osteen’s website.

Note: Thank you www.onlinehomestudies.com for being of light image on left.

Cosmic-HeartTrue Love

When most of us think of “true love,” we probably imagine a very profound kind of love that’s about as rare as a beautiful and brilliant gem found deep in the mysterious and dark ocean. Or perhaps we may imagine a soul mate who’s our perfect match.
Regardless of where we’re from, who we are, or where we’re heading, I believe that we all yearn for this love that often seems to elude us like a butterfly.
Note: Thank you rainbowspace.blogspot.com for beautiful image on left.
unconditional-self-love1I’m 40 years old now (FABULOUS FORTY!!! ^_^), and happily married; however, I recently learned/remembered something that finally opened my eyes and expanded my heart. 
The true love/unconditional love that I’ve been yearning for all of my life was within me all along.
The more I remembered this truth, and became determined to place this as a priority in my life…my outer life started to reflect my inner life—filled with more peace, love, joy (especially excitement, passion, and humor), freedom, truth, wisdom, creativity, abundance and power (to Be fearless).
Granted, I also experience negative energy here and there, but not nearly as much as I used to experience. And what’s comforting is that it’s imperfectly perfect that way because it’s just part of the process of expanding our consciousness…like a back and forth dance of love between two, mesmerizing flames of light.
Note: Thank you www.kellyjdahl.com for image on right. 
broken-heart-sally-doughertyI suppose I should have seen the signs years ago, but I was so busy with my Army lifestyle and focusing on “doing” positive stuff rather than simply “Being” positive as well, that I wasn’t aware of them.
For instance, in 2005, after being divorced from my first marriage for three years, I went on my actual first date as a single woman again.
Prior to that, I spent most of my time while stationed in Hawaii by myself. I even chose not to buy a TV so that it could motivate me to read more, and it worked.
Anyway, it was Valentine’s Day, and a friend and I decided to go on a fun date…nothing serious. However, my friend never showed up, and instead, came up with some reason later. At first, I felt angry at him for wasting my time with a plan that was never meant to happen.
Note: Thank you fineartamerica.com  for beautiful image on left.
e76100857cc8c487d70619ddeac5fcf3But after some thought, I didn’t blame him, because it was a bit awkward since we had been friends for a while, although the idea initially sounded great from probably two, single people who were lonely.
As I sat there, all dressed up and nowhere to go, I started feeling sorry for myself, and I could sense the dark clouds gathering above me for a potential thunderstorm.
From what seemed like was out of nowhere (which was actually from within, as I look back), I sensed a voice that said, “No. This is not how this story’s going to end. You look beautiful today, and you definitely deserve a happy Valentine’s Day!
I agreed, and I sensed the rays of bright sunlight piercing through the dark clouds. As I unintentionally raised my vibration to a higher frequency, by choosing a positive perspective, I shifted into a positive parallel reality that matched my frequency…and there was nothing but sparkling sunshine above me, around me, and within me.
Note: Thank you www.pinterest.com for inspiring quote and beautiful image on right.
StandardI asked myself what I was craving for, and then went straight to the restaurant that I was attracted to. I savored my meal, and convinced myself that I wouldn’t allow myself to be bothered by the fact that I was eating alone.
After all, I often ate alone (unless at work), even at restaurants, and it didn’t bother me the other times because I was enjoying the moment, so it didn’t have to bother me that day.
After enjoying my meal, I walked around the mall and did some eye-shopping. I then walked by the theater, and noticed that 50 First Dates was playing. I love good movies, as well as Drew and Adam, so I decided to check it out. 
There was a long line full of couples, but rather than focusing on not having a date myself, I just daydreamed about things that I love while waiting.
Note: Thank you www.lovingyourselfuniversity.com for beautiful image on left.
84d50bc106be99a6fa927047884338c2I admit, even while daydreaming, there were moments where negative thoughts tried to invade my precious space, saying, “You do realize that some people are staring at you and probably feeling sorry for you?” or “Aren’t you embarrassed to be out by yourself on Valentine’s Day?”
However, I had become a master at blocking things out that I truly don’t care to deal with, so I just replied, “Hey! Whatever helps you to sleep better at night!” Throughout the movie, I was bursting out laughing so much that I even had to remind myself to keep it down a notch. 
Although I had an unconventional date night on Valentine’s Day…it didn’t matter, because I had a great time, and I realized more than ever than I really enjoy my own company. After all, if we can’t even enjoy hanging out with ourselves, how can we expect others to enjoy hanging out with us?
Note: Thank you www.pinterest.com for wonderful quote and image on right.
30e32c39f999caa68d477b2ac381d837Towards the end of that year, I met my current husband online. One of my girlfriends had recommended online dating, which I had never experienced before, shortly after that special day. 
However, prior to that, I first experienced those who I didn’t prefer in order to truly appreciate the person I met later.
Just putting this out there, since it’s usually wiser to learn from others’ mistakes than our own…if you plan on starting online dating (this advice may be outdated since everyone and their mamas have probably experienced online dating by now), meet at a coffee shop where you can be in and out just in case you sense BIG RED flags go up.
I was very surprised to meet some interesting characters who didn’t quite match their profiles. After the mistake of meeting my first online date at a restaurant, I decided to make Starbucks as my initial date place where I could be in and out if something didn’t feel good.
Note: Thank you www.pinterest.com for wonderful quote and pretty image on left.
tumblr_mqgea2MC5P1rrjjxto1_500After all, a first, online date comment like, “Back in the day, when I was a pilot, I used to go to bars or clubs…approach attractive women, and kick them in the shins to get their attention,”  as well as looking a decade older and 20 lbs heavier than the profile pictures doesn’t sit well while eating lunch together (that we ordered before the comment) because you start wondering what else he’s being dishonest about. I didn’t want to be rude and just take off, but I think I had to take some Pepto Bismol afterwards.
Had I fully loved myself unconditionally at that time, I would’ve been able to be less judgmental about that guy, as well as several other shady characters that followed, to include a character who was struggling to answer a simple question like, “Where do you live?” and then later revealed that he had been shot recently by I don’t think I even asked.
I just listened to them all for about 10 – 30 minutes, and then politely mentioned that they seemed nice and honest, but that I was going to go with my gut feeling and let the date be a good, one-time experience. I then wished them the best. 
Note: Thank you movemequotes.tumblr.com for wonderful quote/image on right.
Although I wasn’t being honest myself about their dishonesty, my intention was to remind them of not who their egos thought they were, but who they can become.
As we said our goodbyes, I could sense that some of them had realized (through the look in their eyes) that their dishonesty had been revealed, but not thrown back at them so that they wouldn’t have to lose face. If I recall correctly, I believe all of them sincerely thanked me for the brief date, and wished me the best as well.
I believe they were dishonest because they lacked self-esteem and self-love. They, too, like many of us, were just searching for this true love, whether or not they may tell their buddies that they’re just trying to have some fun with some females.
But because I was not aware of the life lesson that the opportunities had provided (to completely release judgment…not necessarily start a relationship), I experienced similar people showing up in my reality back-to-back…until I finally got the message. Note: Check out video, “The 7 Essene Mirrors” at the end of the post
Note: Thank you marjorymejia.com for touching quote and creative image on left.
Life-is-a-celebration1Looking back, I’m grateful for those experiences that I didn’t fully appreciate at those moments.
However, I do recall telling a friend/coworker about my unbelievable, disaster dates using humor, and how they actually entertained me like scenes from a comedy movie.
We both laughed about it which makes me realize that even something so-called “negative” can be transformed into something positive if we choose a positive perspective.
After several one-time dates, I met my current husband online.
img_0186He was also in the Army, but as a Combat Medic, and was deployed in Afghanistan at the time. We were both at a point where finding a potential mate was off the table. We agreed to just communicate via e-mail.
To my surprise, we started talking daily via phone, sometimes for nearly three hours. In a nutshell, we talked for about six months, and then finally met in person.
Whenever I hear about heartbreak stories from others–whether family, friends, leaders, peers or my soldiers from the Army, my civilian coworkers, and even strangers sometimes who need someone to listen to them—I always wish to help alleviate their pain and suffering because I know what it feels like to feel unwanted, abandoned, neglected, unappreciated, rejected, ignored, disrespected, denied, and dumped.
It makes us feel unworthy of love, and we even start doubting ourselves, our purpose, and/or our existence. The truth is, once we remember that we are the true love that we’ve been searching for all of our lives, then NOTHING can ever take our self-worth and self-love away from us…because we are in essence highly vibrating, unconditional love energy—“Spiritual beings having a human experience.”
Note: Thank you carolynchipman.wordpress.com for inspiring quote and beautiful image on left.
 puzzle_piece_rainbow_puzzleI would actively listen to their stories as well as share my own. The older I become, I notice that my personal life experiences have not only helped me, but others as well. 
Although I’ve had heartbreaks, to include my puppy love in high school and a divorce from my first husband, I’m so grateful (to all souls involved) that we went separate paths. Otherwise, I would’ve never met my current husband, and I wouldn’t be who I am today.
For almost a decade now, I’ve been friends with my first husband and his amazing, Earth angel wife and their two small children. They are both excellent parents to my two children (who I had with my first husband) as well. I feel blessed that we all crossed paths for our soul growth.
That’s why they say that hindsight is 20/20. Looking back, we’re able to see clearly (when we’re willing to) how the beautiful and perfect puzzle pieces of our lives came together in harmony. 
Note: Thank you www.cafepress.com for colorful image on left.
Parallel_Worlds_by_Deeo_ElaclaireSome people have a hard time believing in such unusual relationships between exes; however, I believe that we can all have our fairy-tale like lives as we remember our true selves, that we are part of the omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent God/Goddess/All That Is.
And if we choose to believe in such an entity, then we must not limit what our possibilities are. After all, there are an infinite number parallel realities that we continuously shift into depending on our frequency.
Note: Thank you rubiconthemovie.com for awe-inspiring image on right.
68477_479466878763181_1702739611_nThe more we focus on raising our vibration to a higher frequency—having positive intentions, thinking positive thoughts and seeing or visualizing positive images (that create positive feelings); speaking positive words and doing positive actions (that create positive feelings); repeatedly practicing positive affirmations until they become convictions and then beliefs deep within our soul’s subconscious/unconscious mind; following the path that excites us at every Moment of Now (our physical body’s way of expressing that we are in alignment with what what our souls are passionate and happy about, according to Bashar, channeled through Daryyl Anka), being around beautiful nature who doesn’t resist the natural flow of Life and just trusts the process (especially plants and trees that naturally and continually vibrate at the 528 Hz Love Frequency), eating and drinking healthier (less junk since our f0b310ef4d2592f41fade31d7034af62bodies are our precious temples and highly beneficial vehicles…and we only have one), exercising (motivating, liberating, and the results can be mind-blowing!) living in the Moment of Now with much gratitude and appreciation, and just Being love, peace, joy, freedom, truth, wisdom, creativity, power, and abundance—-and maintain it for as long as possible, we can shift into a more positive reality where there’s more peace, love, joy (especially excitement, passions and humor), freedom, abundance, truth, wisdom, creativity, and power (to be fearless and to co-create). “When we’re depressed, we’re living in the past; when we’re anxious, we’re living in the future; when we’re truly at peace within, we’re living in the present,” (unk) which helps us to tune into the endless blessings of the magnificent and generous universe, one of the gifts from God/Goddess/All That Is.
The higher we raise our frequency, we can eventually shift into our versions of Heaven on Earth. As we raise it to the highest, I believe we ultimately return to All That Is. 
Note: Thank you realrest.wordpress.com for wonderful quote and creative image on left, and www.pinterest.com for the helpful quotes and beautiful snowflake image on right.

Processed with VSCOcam with b5 presetI AM Remembering

I AM a soul in the process of remembering who I truly am, a Divine part of God, Goddess, and All That Is. 
In order to really get to know my authentic/true self, I must work on better observing, focusing, understanding, empathizing with, having compassion for, forgiving, accepting, embracing and unconditionally loving myself. By doing so, I believe I will be able to fully do this for others as well.
I’m also able to remember more about my self through others, since others serve as a mirror who reflect an aspect(s) of ourselves, whether positive or negative.
Note: Thank you skylohse.com for quote on left. 

unless-you-learn-to-face-your-own-shadows-advice-quoteEvery soul around me is helping me to see with clarity more about myself as they play their roles as loved ones, friends, former co-workers, acquaintances, strangers and so-called enemies.       

Through better observation, attention, recognition and acknowledgment of our shadow selves reflected by others, we’re able to finally heal what we’ve been repressing, suppressing, avoiding, denying, neglecting and/or rejecting for so long, whether it’s from this lifetime or past lifetimes.
I’s so much easier to see the so-called “negative” qualities in others rather than seeing them in a mirror as we stand directly in front of it. Have you ever noticed that it seems easier to forgive others when we have said or done something similar? I have.
susan-sarandon-actress-quote-when-you-start-to-develop-your-powers-ofI’ve also noticed that when I imagine what it must be like to be the other person who I judge or dislike through better understanding, empathy, compassion, and forgiveness, I’m better able to accept that person the way they are (since everyone goes through their soul journey at their own pace), and even embrace and/or unconditionally love them.
It’s easy to understand, empathize with, have compassion for, forgive, accept, embrace, and unconditionally love someone who’s lovable or even likable; however, the true challenge is to do and Be these things for the not-so-lovable and not-so-likable beings. And I believe the greatest challenge is to do and Be these things to the most seemingly unlovable beings.
When we’ve experienced darkness/our own dark sides (lower energies of the Love energy spectrum—the lowest being fear), we have a tendency to better understand those who speak, behave and act from darkness/their dark side (lower energies of the Love energy spectrum—the lowest being fear).
When we’ve experienced what it feels like to be sick with the flu, and not have anyone around to care, we can better empathize with others who show the same or similar symptoms, and pray for their speedy recovery.
Compassion-is-a-verb-quotes-Thich-Nhat-Hanh-QuotesBetter yet, we we can have compassion for them (empathy + action) by buying them some orange juice, making them some soup, placing a cold wash cloth on their forehead (if there’s a fever), buying them a get-well card and/or flowers, and last but not least…just being there for them with gentle, unconditional love.
When we’ve experienced poverty, to include eating cheap meals (e.g., canned soups, peanut butter sandwiches or rice with ketchup mixed with chopped onions for dinner) as a kid, and even eating a lot of ramen as a young adult, we can better empathize with others who also live in poverty.
Better yet, we we can have compassion for them by sharing our food in our lunch boxes as a kid, or offering to share a meal with someone who could use some more food.
We can even invite single friends or coworkers for a home-cooked meal (since they more than likely won’t cook for themselves much)…drop off some home-baked cookies to our favorite waitress and/or waiter at our favorite restaurant or to our favorite cashier at our local store or supermarket, or we Quote-For-A-Lifetime-041312can get a togo bag of food and give it to one of the homeless people (if they happen to be around the route we normally take).
We can also gather up all the extra stuff in our homes (e.g., clothes, shoes, appliances, purses, etc.) that we haven’t used for awhile, and donate them to a local charity box or center.
When we’ve experienced much hardship, we can better empathize with others who have problems, especially those who seem to always put forth effort to make positive changes…and could just use a break.
Better yet, we can have compassion for them by helping them to take some of the load off their chest—perhaps offer a single parent we know free and fun-filled babysitting service…offer a neighbor who works long hours during the week some BBQ on the weekends, or even help mow their side of the lawn…offer a friend who’s struggling with his/her weight to be his/her cheer leader/coach/buddy with a very effective weight-loss plan…offer a coworker (who has no family nearby) assistance in helping him/her move to another residence within the area, offer a friend who’s struggling with an alcoholic, workaholic, or gambling  addiction support by setting time together to have fun or attend support groups together, etc.
forgiveness-quote.When we’ve been academically slower than others in school, we can better empathize with others who are struggling; better yet, we can have compassion for them by offering our help and teaching them with patience, kindness and wisdom.
When we’ve been bullied as a kid at school or emotionally and/or physically abused at home, we can better have compassion for others who don’t believe that they have the power within them to stand up for themselves or protect themselves; so we become a voice for them, and/or we defend them from verbal or physical harm.
When we’ve been called hurtful names, criticized, ridiculed, disrespected, used, told we were unworthy, neglected, ignored, labeled with false labels, gossiped about, lied to, betrayed, etc., we can better treat others because we realize that words that stem from fear doesn’t feel good (since it’s not our ‘high’ frequency/our essence) .
We can also better forgive others because we realize that we, too, have made mistakes in the past that more than likely hurt others, whether it’s in this lifetime or past lifetimes, and we just didn’t know any better/remember our true selves/our essence. We can then forgive ourselves as well.
Note: Thank you www.true-enlightenment.com for the soul-touching quote and pretty image on right.
acceptance quote, inspiration - dailyinspired
We also understand that when we say or do hurtful things to others, which stems from a fear-based belief system, we are only Being so because we are actually hurting deep within ourselves.
When we’ve experienced what it feels like to be discriminated against because we’re different (i.e., race, nationality, color, sex, size, shape, appearance—unattractive—culture, intellectual level, family background, financial status, educational level, personality—odd, abnormal, weird, and strange—beliefs, preferences, choices, etc.) , …we can better accept others regardless of how different they are.
When we’ve experienced failure numerous times, we can not only better appreciate the delicious successes, but we can better embrace the very nature of failure…that it helps us to experience Being Humility, Courage, Will Power, Determination, Persistence, Strength, Resilience, Character and Faith.
Note: Thank you dailyinspired.net for helpful quote and beautiful background on left.
When we’ve learned/remembered from both the darkness and light of our world, we can not only better appreciate Life, but we can embrace the darkness for giving us many lessons/blessings in disguise.
When we’ve experienced over and over again how amazingly warm it feels inside when we unconditionally give ourselves to others (i.e., our time, our full attention, our active listening ears, our kind words, our showers of compliments, our concern, our suggestions, our help, our little or BIG surprises, our gifts, our presence, and our unconditional love), which makes them smile, laugh, cry tears of joy, and/or get excited, we can better remember what it means to love unconditionally. And because we’re able to give this love away, we also realize that we are the very abundance that we are able to give away.
We are in essence Unconditional Love energy.
Note: Thank you dejeka.wz.cz  for the colorful and mesmerizing image on right.

68366_369882506434773_556737258_nIntention to Help Soul Family

I posted this long message on Facebook recently to share it with whoever could benefit from it within my little circle of family, friends, former co-workers and acquaintances. I’ve learned/remembered that as I heal…others heal, and as others heal…I heal as well, since we are all One.
After having a few phone conversations and exchanging several Facebook messages throughout the week, I noticed that there was a common theme in all of our situations; they all stemmed from a lack of unconditionally loving self and others, which is ultimately a reflection of my own inner self.
Rather than addressing them individually, I thought, why not put out one message that may serve us all. Plus, that avoids putting anyone in particular in an uncomfortable position that they may not be ready to explore. The message itself is under the subtitle, “Posted Message to My Soul Family.”
Note: Thank you www.seeksuccess.com for a powerful quote and captivating image on left.

What My Old, High School Friends Mirrored to Me

From the several Facebook messages, I noticed two that included some form of manipulation (although neither may have been intentional)—one trying to make me feel guilty if I didn’t make a choice that he/she wanted me to make, and the other message trying to make me feel as though speaking my mind tactfully, honestly and assertively is being “too strong-minded of a woman” and is best avoided (in a so-called “joking” manner).
To the first message, I made a choice based on what I wished to experience, regardless of how I was told it would make him/her feel. To the second message, I mentioned that I appreciated his/her honest assessment, but that doesn’t change who I choose to be.

My old, high school friends helped me to better define myself—they helped to empower myself by giving me an experience of choosing to Be my authentic self, regardless of the opinions, judgments, or suggestions of others.

sister_hugs_by_pika_chan1000-d4yqjj2What My Younger, Step-Sister Mirrored to Me

I especially had my younger step-sister in mind when I posted the message, because her situation has been ongoing (nearly two years). We all go through phases where we deal with life issues; however, if we too often find ourselves drowning within our own negativity, we may truly feel lost.
My sister’s currently going through an extended cycle of excessive negativity, and nothing that I say (i.e., words of understanding, comfort, encouragements, suggestions, ideas, providing of resources, etc.) or do (i.e., active listening) over the phone (since she lives very far away) seems to be helpful.
Since my sister is also a reflection of my inner world, like everything else is, I realized that it was time to take a break from one another (since I’m apparently not helpful to her anyway, and I can’t change her) so that I can continue working on changing myself–becoming my more positive, unconditionally loving, and authentic self.
3724123907_2512f1d00a-1-Note: Thank you www.deviantart.com for cute and heart-warming image on left.

I was reminded from various spiritual souls that as I change within, my outer world will reflect that change.

I also noticed the presence of a very familiar theme, and I was aware of it deep down, but I suppressed it because I wanted to be there for my sister.
However, I realize that I’m not doing her a favor by basically encouraging her unhealthy ways…even through simply listening.
Note: Thank you alvin.wikia.com  for soul-touching image on the right.
monarch-butterfly-in-flight-stephen-dalton-and-photo-researchersSometimes, the best thing to do for someone who refuses to be positive is to just let them Be…set them free—temporarily (since we will all eventually meet again)—so that they can have their own experiences of soul growth at their own pace.
I believe, as we change within ourselves (become our true selves/more positive), we can then tune into another parallel reality where we may meet an improved version of ourselves and others from our current reality.
Because the bottom line is…when we’re habitually negative, we could win the lottery, but still find things to chronically complain about/whine about. The sad truth is, when we have no desire to change for the positive at the moment…we don’t care to be helped as well.
Note: Thank you fineartamerica.com for beautiful image on left.
When we’re in a state of continuous negative vibration, we just want someone to listen to our never-ending complaints and pessimism, not realizing how draining it is for the other person. Or perhaps we are very aware of the fact that we’re negatively affecting others, but we selfishly choose to stick with a “Misery loves company” mentality.
When we’re negative, we would much rather stick with the familiar negativity, then take a leap of faith into the unfamiliar world overflowing with positive energy.
I noticed that when we’re negative, we don’t give of ourselves (i.e., our time, our intentions, and our kind words and actions) because we have this deep belief within us, that’s been conditioned by society, that says that we have to get love rather than give love.
We form negative habits to include (but not limited to) not actively listening to others (when it’s their turn to express themselves), not showering others with compliments (for fear that it may make us feel less), had enough2not giving our time, not sharing our true thoughts and feelings, not giving material things that represent our love, and not returning text messages, phone calls, Facebook messages, and/or e-mails.
But yet, we expect others to be there for us at the drop of a dime. As soon as we call others, we expect them to listen to us vent endlessly about the negative world in which we live in.
Sometimes, when we find ourselves surrounded with an overwhelming amount of negative energy, it’s time to take a break from the situation or person/people. We, too, deserve some peace, a positive life, and time to reflect on our inner world. After all, if we don’t make this important choice for ourselves…no one else will.

My younger sister helped me to physically experience and remember that I AM not a victim of my circumstances, and I don’t need anything outside of me (to include people) to change within myself, so that I may transform into my authentic/true self, and finally project overflowing positive energy onto my outer world and thus, become a victor of my life. I will always love my sister, and we will meet again soon in a more positive, parallel reality, since we continuously shift into an infinite number of parallel realities in the Moment of Now, depending on our current vibrational frequency.

sisters-cute-eyes-cartoonWhat My Oldest, Half-Sister Mirrored to Me

I’m aware that all this unconventional talk can lead to much judgment. However, a willingness to be vulnerable is part of becoming one’s authentic self. Because it’s much easier to only Be who we think others want us to be.
Recently, I had a phone conversation with my oldest half-sister (my biological father’s oldest daughter from his first marriage–out of 3 children–whom he pretty much abandoned as well; my grandfather/his father mostly raised them.).
She asked me about my past job, and as I was explaining to her, she immediately cut me off and asked in an aggressive tone, “Are you still on your medication?”
Note: Thank you khaalideemag.blogspot.com for cartoon image on left.
we_are_sisters_4ever_by_careness-d6uk2vsSometimes, it’s not about what was said, but how it was said. I reminded her that I had discontinued taking depression medication for over two years now because it had made me feel apathetic.
I continued, that instead, I chose to live a more positive lifestyle—to include but not limited to healthier eating, daily exercise, positive thinking, practicing positive affirmations, meditation, studying about Spirituality, choosing a positive attitude and perspective, etc.
She then went off explaining why she asked, and I let her finish her explanations. I then asked her why she had asked me that question with such a tone.
Note: Thank you www.deviantart.com for cartoon image on right.
everything-that-irritates-us-about-others-can-lead-us-to-a-better-understanding-of-ourselvesShe didn’t seem to follow, so I reversed the roles. I said, “K, let’s say I asked you about your job, so you started telling me about it. All of a sudden, I abruptly interrupt you and ask you in this tone (I gave an example), ‘Are you still on medication?’…how would you feel?”
She replied, “I would be like, ‘What the fuck?'” I replied, “Exactly, and that’s pretty much how I felt as well, in addition to the fact that it was obvious that you weren’t actively listening to anything I was saying.”
Although she gave me a reason as to why she probably said what she did, I intuitively sensed that she had read some off-the-chart, strange, things that I wrote in my blog (since she mentioned the she read my blog before), and was indirectly suggesting that perhaps I need to go back to taking medication rather than just asking me about them.
However, I figured I had already created one, uncomfortable or awkward moment of truth, and that was enough for the day.
Note: Thank you positiveprovocations.com for quote and pretty image on left.
I later realized that my sister was just reflecting a deep belief that I still had about myself—that others may perceive me as unstable. My sister helped me to release this belief that no longer positively serves me by triggering the old energy within me; because we can’t release what we don’t acknowledge exists within us.
My sister also did me a huge favor recently by mentioning a truth that was hard for me to swallow.
We had gotten into our first argument since the first time we united in 2012, which stemmed from my lack of patience (my bad habit) and one of her bad habits.
“They” (I still don’t know who) say that when we become angry, we have a tendency to blurt out some thoughts and feelings (that we believe are true) that we may have suppressed in the past out of politeness.
However, I’ve learned that sometimes, it’s beneficial to one another to butt heads like rams and spill the magic beans so that the seeds of love (that we may be blind to) can take root into our hearts and eventually flourish into a ginormous beanstalk that can take us to heaven on earth.
Note: Thank you www.cliffkule.com for powerful image on left.
bear growlMy sister suggested that she believes that I still have issues with my parents (although I recently made peace with my mom), and that I should basically work on it, in addition to becoming a more positive person.
Although I initially became defensive and asked, “I’m the one who needs to work on being more positive? I think we both know the answer to that question,”  I took her advice, and dug deeper within myself.
Note: Thank you www.tradersnarrative.com for powerful image on right.
bearhugWell, sometimes these type of dramatic exchanges of blunt words may come as a blessing in disguise, which we will be able to see…as long as we open our hearts.
My sister mentioned that we both have strong personalities, and that sometimes there can be a natural tendency to clash. I agreed, and I believe that regardless of our personality types, we can still find balance and harmony in our relationships as we better communicate with one another from our hearts, and Be willing to see one another as our True Selves/Souls of Light/Pure Compassion/Unconditional Love/Divine Beings of God/Goddess/All That Is.
Note: Thank you www.senia.com for heart-warming image on left.


My oldest sister helped me to physically experience and remember that I AM Confident in my authenticity, and I AM courageous enough to speak the truth in a tactful, assertive, honest and loving manner despite seemingly uncomfortable situations. She has also helped me to physically experience and remember that I AM fearless enough to face the unknown…to look deeper within my subconscious/unconscious mind in order to truly and finally heal from any remaining judgments, hurt, anger, resentment, guilt, regret, suffering, and anything else stemming from fear energy, especially when it relates to my parents, whom I convinced myself that I forgave out of laziness, but didn’t truly forgive. I will always love my sister, and we will meet again soon in a more positive, parallel reality, since we continuously shift into an infinite number of parallel realities in the Moment of Now, depending on our current vibrational frequency.

Note: Thank you bitsofpositivity.com for shimmering and beautiful image on right.

What My Biological Father Mirrored to Me

Frustration-Eats-Pencil2The last phone conversation I had with my biological father was the one where I finally experienced towards the end (not just thinking that I did) better understanding him, empathizing with him, having compassion for him, forgiving him, accepting him (as he is), but not truly loving him unconditionally.
Granted, that didn’t prevent me from speaking the truth at the beginning, which stemmed from some residue of suppressed anger. My anger stemmed from frustrations of forgiving him back-to-back-to-back; it was like my relationship with my mother all over again that took exactly 40 years to harmonize.
And of course, the anger ultimately stemmed from fear…fear of not being able to understand why he’s the most selfish human being I had ever met, and why I couldn’t just cut him out of my life entirely.
Note: Thank you morningbrucoffee.blogspot.com for funny image on left.
mm-keen-self-awareness-3-4-2013I once received a daily, inspirational message from Neale Donald Walsch’s team suggesting that sometimes, instead of being right…we can Be Love to another. Well, sometimes, these wonderful words of wisdom don’t quite sink in right away, and I forgive myself for that.
Anyway, when he mentioned that my two, older half-sisters’ visit with him in 2012 (the one that I was supposed to attend, but didn’t due to starting a new job) went great, although he never received any feedback from them, I told him that it didn’t go great because he spent the entire 3/4 of a day (the entire visit) bragging about himself again. He immediately said that he didn’t want to hear it.
As he abruptly changed the subject, he talked about his health, and how much weight he lost due to his incurable cancer which he had supposedly been diagnosed with a few years ago, and outlived for a while.
He then went into all the details of him recently receiving a late, Congressional Medal of Honor from President Obama (since my bio dad was a Vietnam vet), but he refused to accept it directly from him because he didn’t want to receive it from a half-breed. I asked him why he would refer to him that way, but again, he changed the subject.
inspire-185I realized that it didn’t occur to him that his three out of six children, from his 3rd marriage and his 2nd relationship, were so-called “half-breeds” as well—me (who’s half Korean and half Japanese from my mom) and his youngest daughter and youngest son from his third/last marriage who’s half Italian and half Japanese.
He then reminded me (like he did a few times while visiting me for two days) the importance of his youngest daughter and youngest son’s roles as orthopedic surgeons, and how he was going to move near them so they could help him with his deteriorating health.
I told him that I was glad that he was in good hands, which helps me to no longer worry about him.  He then immediately insisted that I write his new address down.
You-see-things-as-you-areHe continued talking about all the other details of his life, to include his extravagant funeral arrangements, preceding each statement with the comment, “The bottom line is….”
He also added that he didn’t care for anything fancy, and that they could put him in a shoe box for all he cares. I felt that was his way of putting forth effort to either appear or actually Be humble, which was something new.
He then abruptly said that he had to go. Like all of our other conversations, he didn’t even care to ask what was going on in my life, although he did ask how my husband was doing.  I said goodbye to him thinking that would be my last conversation with him. I even threw away the new address that he wanted me to write down.
butterflysNote: Thank you rishikajain.com for image on left.
All the other times we supposedly had conversations, there were still parts of me that resented him for being so unbelievably selfish. However, when we spoke last, even though he was still the most selfish person I had ever known, I had a different perspective—that he ssseriously has no clue how socially and emotionally inept he is. I also noticed an absence of feelings; I just felt numb towards him, and I wondered if that was a good thing.
I had a conversation with my true self. I noticed that whenever I ask my true self a question…without fail, I always receive an answer in some form (i.e., number synchronicities, in my dreams, intuition, inner-wisdom, article, blog, website, people, TV messages, videos, songs on the radio, etc.).
You-shall-receiveI asked, “What am I supposed to learn from this person…my earth, biological father? Since I can’t seem to just cut him out of my life, we must be crossing paths for a reason.”
And “How is it that I’ve managed to find at least one positive quality about practically every person I’ve ever met and known in my life (that I remember), to include so-called major assholes and bitches, but yet, I’m having such a difficult time finding at least one lovable quality of my own biological father?
Note: Thank you positivegraphics.com for image on right.

Being Compassion for My Ego Self

Note: Our ego self is who we think we are…our self image who desires to be “acceptable” to society. Although our ego self lives from a fear-based belief system—hence, having many fears—its role is to protect us and help us to survive in our physical world. Our true self is who we truly are…a Divine part/soul of God/Goddess/All That Is who is in essence Unconditional Love, and chooses to Be Authentic and Fearless, regardless of whether or not its “acceptable” to our overall dysfunctional society.
My inability to love my biological father unconditionally is beyond him abandoning my mother and I when I was a baby. I know this because when I found out that he was diagnosed with cancer, and he wanted to visit for the first time in 38 years, I invited him to stay at my home so that he wouldn’t have to pay for a hotel, and so that I could cook for him and love him…even if it was only for two days.
But when he spent the entire two days bragging about himself—to include his accomplishments in the military (as a Ranger and Special Forces) and civilian life (as an FBI and CIA agent), his youngest daughter and youngest son’s accomplishments as successful surgeons, his medals, his awards, his war stories, his POW experience, his ability to be in relationships with prestigious women, his strict father, his famous Hollywood bulldog Wilson (that he showed several videos of), his connections with powerful, famous and/or wealthy people (to include his cousin Eric Shinseki—who he said was his mentor, not cousin, in 2008—Arnold Schwarzenegger and Paris Hilton), and his luxurious lifestyle with his family from his third marriage—I felt as though he was intentionally trying to hurt me. I mean…who does that kind of thing?
Note: Image on left by www.searchquotes.com 
paultillich114351The evening before he left, I confronted him about his actions in the most loving way possible, and I how couldn’t comprehend why a father, who had just reunited with his long-lost daughter, would want to spend practically two full days of his visit just bragging about himself and his successful, rich, and happy life. His reply was, with a serious tone and facial expression, “So you feel entitled to all this wealth?” I was so flabbergasted that I replied, “That’s what you got out of what I just said?”
I then shared with him that it made me feel bad that he made it blatantly obvious that he had no interest in me and my life. He listened for about 30 minutes, and then proceeded to brag about how his community acknowledged him for his contributions to them over the years, and that even Arnold Schwarzenegger was impressed with him and started a conversation.
narcissistHe then went on talking about how his youngest son (one of the surgeons) always supports him and laughs at all his jokes. Whenever he dances in the middle of the mall, his son apparently points to his dad and says, “That’s my dad everyone!” with a big smile on his face and his arm around his shoulder.
Apparently, his youngest daughter just walks off on him whenever he does that, which explains why he only talked bad about her, saying that she had a tendency to be shallow and snobbish with her high-class lifestyle.
After doing some research, to better understand my biological father, I learned about “narcissistic supply,” which applied to this particular situation—he admired his son, who apparently kissed his ass 24/7, and resented his youngest daughter for not having a need to butter him up. However, my true self/soul has another perspective, which I shared within this post.
I found out later that he also distanced himself from his three children from his first marriage because they spoke from their hearts.
Note: Thank you beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com for quote on left.
 never-chase-love-affection-or-attention-if-it-isnt-given-freely-by-another-person-it-isnt-worth-havingAt my grandfather’s funeral in 2008, my biological father apparently went up to the podium, and bragged about his accomplishments rather than make a speech about my grandfather.
So when it was his oldest son’s turn to give a speech, his son told everyone that he wasn’t there to share his accomplishments, but that he would to like to talk about his grandfather.  
My oldest half-sister spoke her mind to biological father directly during that time-frame, which took her off the list of his “favorable” children as well. My second oldest half-sister is a very gentle-loving soul; unfortunately, her passiveness makes her even more vulnerable to those who only care about themselves.
When I heard that my biological father used to tell my second oldest half-sister that she looked like Mr. Magoo throughout her childhood, I instantly sensed that he was projecting his own insecurities about his unattractive appearance onto her; because he’s the one who seriously looks like an Asian version of Mr. Magoo.
Anyway, I gave up trying to have a meaningful conversation with him. It was only a one-sided conversation that he could of easily had without my presence…in front of a mirror. My husband later informed me that he had mentioned my kids to my bio dad, during smoke breaks, but he showed no interest whatsoever, and quickly changed the subject. Even my husband was surprised how uncaring he was.

0-0-namka12Since I was hardly able to express myself during his visit, I wrote an eight-page letter to him (on a Word doc) that I sent via e-mail, which later turned into a series of posts about my brief moments with him, to include the one titled, “My First Encounter with a Narcissist.”

It included a part where I reminded him that if he was capable of effortlessly finding any location using the stars (while in the military), then he should have had no problem finding my grandmother’s house, which has has been to a few times before…if he truly had a desire to find my mother and I, like he claimed.

Being Compassion for My Shadow Self

The following video and quote (from the video) has also helped me to embrace my shadow self, which exists to help to us to see our own worth, passion and power, despite having a bad rap as the “dark side.”:

 Embrace Your Dark Side (<== Click on title to watch in another window)
images“What if I were to tell you that buried within your consciousness, hidden out of your sight (and you SO hope everyone elses sight, as well) is that obscured attribute (or in some cases attributes plural) that truly give you the drive, the impulse, the passion to push on in spite of obstacles; the ability to stand firm against any and all challenges and the strength to secure your thriving existence in this planet? These dark traits of yours, the ones you hope no one recognizes in you, are there for a reason. However they express themselves, in whatever way they attempt to make themselves known, every shadowed vestige of you has only one desire to be loved enough . . . as a special endowment within you . . that it is given an opportunity to show its light.”
I believe I received the answers to my previously asked questions to my true self/soul:
  •  “What am I supposed to learn from this person…my earth, biological father since we keep crossing paths for a reason?”
  • “How is it that I’ve managed to find at least one positive quality about practically every person I’ve ever met and known in my life (that I remember), to include so-called major assholes and bitches, but yet, I’m having such a difficult time finding at least one lovable quality of my own biological father?
56553_428044470577030_1112700125_o (1)The following three articles have been helpful as well:
Life Lesson #7, 777 (just throwing a number out there)

My biological father’s extreme selfishness and desperate need to continuously convince his worth to others through bragging about his various accomplishments and material wealth was a reflection of my own shadow aspect of me.

My shadow self, which had been repressed and suppressed by my ego self since I was a child was desperately shouting to get my attention by manifesting itself as my biological father/my shadow.

It makes sense that my bio dad’s selfishness and lack of self-esteem and self-worth would have to be very ridiculously obvious…at a narcissistic level, so that it would be very hard to miss. Otherwise, knowing me, I would’ve given him a benefit of a doubt if he was just “typical selfish.”

My shadow self was communicating to me, “Why can’t I put myself first like him? Ever since I was a child, I was taught by my mother to put herself before me! Why can’t I fully express myself as well? I want to experience having the spotlight on me, being very successful in the material world, and rich too! I want to announce to the world that I am worthy too…that I matter!”
Note: Thank you www.jjacobshealth.com for image on left.
In total surrender of the ego the transformation of our vibration unfolds by itself to levels far beyond our imaginationHowever, my ego, wanting to do the “right” thing that is acceptable by society had repressed these urges that are unacceptable by society saying, “You’re better than him, so don’t be like him. Be a good listener, don’t brag about yourself, and continue to be polite even while judging and resenting him for his insensitivity.”
Then, my true self/soul softly whispered, “Be patient with him. Be a good listener, not because it’s the “right” thing to do in society’s eyes,but because you truly care.
There’s no need to brag, since there’s no need to prove your worthiness to anyone; however, do give yourself credit for what you deserve, and celebrate your accomplishments in life in a loving manner.
Note: Thank you www.anonymousartofrevolution.com  for awe-inspiring image on right.
535366_262605940537211_913238829_nAnd last but not least, Be polite to others, not because it’s the “right” thing to do in society’s eyes, but because your true essence is unconditional love, and giving kindness, attention and respect to others is a sure sign that the very thing that you’re able to give away is yours, has always been yours, and will forever be yours.
As you work toward Being better understanding, empathizing with, having compassion for, forgiving, accepting, embracing and unconditionally loving the ALL of others, the more you will be able to do these things for yourself, and vice versa.”
ENTER ==> Inner conflict.
surrenderego1-630x630Rather than recognize my shadow self that I projected onto my father, my ego self repressed this aspect of me in order to protect my self image and prevent me from feeling ashamed of myself, and then convinced me, “This is who he is, not you.”
Like I mentioned earlier, it’s so much easier to judge a negative characteristic in another than in our own selves.
I was having such a difficult time finding at least one lovable quality of my own biological father because I hadn’t remembered to embrace this shadow aspect of me yet. My ego self judged and resented him for his ability to freely express himself without being repressed by his own ego. 
I believe for the majority of human beings, although our egos dominate our shadow selves, since it desires to protect our self image (who we think we are), and only wants to display qualities that are acceptable to society, we are still willing to hear that still, small voice deep within us.
Note: Thank you duveroth.com for helpful quote and artistic image on right.
However, I believe my father is the opposite of the typical person. His shadow self and ego self (who he thinks he is) is so tunnel focused that he fails to hear that small, still voice that tries to communicate to him that he is worthy, and therefore, doesn’t need to constantly prove to others that he is, as well 319252_184826801598052_119052811508785_401470_231303149_n (1)as remind them continuously. Once he accepts the truth that he is worthy, even without all the rewards from the material world, he will finally be able to see others as worthy as well.
True confidence, which stems from high self-esteem and self-love, doesn’t have a need to brag to others since there’s nothing to prove to anyone, to include self. Bragging, especially to the extreme says to others, “I don’t know that I’m worthy; hence, I’m going to try and convince you, and whoever else is willing to listen, until I convince myself through your acceptance and approval of me.”
So the answer to my question I asked my true self/soul earlier: My father’s positive quality is his strong determination and persistence to Be successful in the material world, and his shadow self and ego self helped him to accomplish these successes by providing him with a forceful drive, shouting to the world, “I AM Worthy! I do matter!”…something he didn’t receive from his own father, who often told him to prove his worthiness.

Integrating Ego, Shadow and True Self

No-one-is-more-vulnerable-than-the-person-who-lack-self-awareness-e1342715345560So what can I take from these experiences from my biological father? Become a very selfish person as well due to low self-esteem and a lack of self-love? Become obsessed with the successes of the material world as well? Become obsessed with being accepted by others?
No. But I can take from these experiences to focus on self-love, which is different from being selfish, since the more I accept and love myself unconditionally, the more I can fully love others unconditionally as well.
I can also focus on Being successful in the spiritual world, which will in turn lead me to the successes of the material world as well.
quotes-marianne-williamson-1-600x411Last but not least, I can also work together in harmony with all aspects of me, since I appreciate that my ego self is only playing its role to protect me from anything that it perceives may harm my self image.
I also appreciate that my shadow self in only playing a role to drive me forward in life and remind me that I matter.
I can better understand and have compassion for my shadow self and ego self by meeting their needs in a loving manner (with the help of my true self/soul), and show them that we’re all in it together…like a team.
Note: Thank you www.oprah.com  for helpful quote and pretty background on left.
quote-harmony-is-pure-love-for-love-is-complete-agreement-lope-de-vega-189882My ego’s need to protect my self image and be accepted by society can be satisfied with a new belief system (co-created with my true self) that my self image requires no protection, and that as long as I accept and love myself unconditionally, and just Be my authentic self, others in my outer world will reflect my inner change.
My shadow self’s need to freely express my worthiness that has been repressed and suppressed by my ego can be satisfied with a new belief system (co-created with my true self) that since my true essence is worthiness, I have quote-Dalai-Lama-one-must-be-compassionate-to-ones-self-63no need to express it in fearful ways that shout, “I’m better than you!”, but rather, in loving ways that whisper, “We are all equally worthy.”
My shadow self’s desire to express my worthiness had been repressed by my ego self ever since I was a child, only because my ego self was trying to mold me into a person who will be accepted by society.
Growing up, whenever I shared with my mother something I was excited about, usually related to schoolwork or an extra curricular activity at school (e.g., winning a sports game), she would reply in an apathetic way, “That’s nice” or “Good for you.”
when-nobody-else-celebrates-you1Once, when I excitedly told my mother that I received an “A” in something, she glared at me and said that I was just like my biological father, who was a major braggart.
I was aware that my mother despised my father (since she often reminded me with comments like, “You’re nothing but a cold-hearted Jap just like you’re father!”), so I didn’t want to be anything like him.
Her hurtful words stemmed from her own inner turmoil and sufferings. My biological father had abandoned us without notice when I was a baby, which understandably devastated her, as it would anyone with feelings. She needed an outlet to release her pain, and I became the much needed outlet.
I believe I chose my earth mother as part of my soul contract prior to my birth so that we may help one another with major life lessons, especially deep understanding, empathy, forgiveness, compassion, acceptance and unconditional love.
Note: Thank you lessonsfromselfesteem.com for wonderful quote and pretty background image on right.
candle_light582911Since then, I believe I learned to suppress celebrating my accomplishments, which was both good and bad. It was good, because it prevented me from becoming my bio dad I suppose, and it was bad because I then started to not give myself enough credit for my accomplishments, as well as question my own worthiness.
Although I desperately yearned for my mother’s attention and approval, since my American father was hardly ever around, I wasn’t able to get it that she just didn’t want to be reminded of my bio dad—it was just too painful for her, and I understand now. We can’t give what we don’t believe we have within us.
The video, “Chopra and Simon: Love, Attraction, Darkside” helped me to further change my perspective about my bio dad. So I asked myself, “Why does his extreme selfishness and excessive bragging bother me so much, besides the fact that I feel like he’s being intentionally hurtful by showing no interest in his long-lost daughter?”
Note: Thank you jobspapa.com for the soul-touching quote and bright image on leftt.
319252_184826801598052_119052811508785_401470_231303149_nMy shadow self also desires to be freely and fully express all my good qualities and accomplishments that my ego self has repressed and suppressed for a long time, since my childhood.
My shadow self resented my ego self for repressing and suppressing it from saying and doing what it had desperately wanted to say and do. So it showed up in another, in the most blatant way possible, in order to get my attention. And then my ego self judged my father for speaking and acting in a manner that was unacceptable to society.
Even in some of my posts, I gave credit to others for things I’ve done, just so I won’t come off as a braggart myself. I didn’t think it would be a big deal since what matters most is the story itself, and the life lessons that they provide.
However, I now realize that I do deserve credit for whatever I say and do…because if I’m not even willing to give myself credit, how can I expect others to celebrate me as well?
self-love-quote-21Granted, I have no desire to express myself at a selfish level (which stems from fear), but at a self-loving level (which stems from unconditional love). There’s a difference between giving oneself credit where credit’s due, and bragging endlessly to others in order make oneself appear better than one actually is.
My shadow self can now happily shout, “I AM Worthy! I matter! I no longer have to hide in the darkness as the ‘bad guy’  or ‘dark side’ anymore! I AM finally understood and loved unconditionally” without worrying about having its freedom of expression and needs stripped away by my ego-self.
And my ego self can happily shout, “I accept myself for who I truly am, my authentic self, which sets me free from needing acceptance and approval from others! I don’t have to be so uptight anymore—living from a fear-based belief system–often depressed about the past or anxious about the future, and just relax and go with the flow of Life while enjoying The Moment of Now. I was once blind, but now I can see with clarity!”
And they both thank my true self for compassion, insight and Love and Light.
Note: Thank you lipshipsandfashiontips.com for the reminder quote on left.
self-esteem-quote-2lSo now, after several attempts to unconditionally forgive and embrace my biological father, I’m finally able to do both…and then some. I am grateful for my biological father’s temporary existence in my life…for being a blessing in disguise.
Now, whether or not I will love him unconditionally from a distance (since he lives in another state) or release what no longer positively serves me (although served well in the past) will depend on him.
I’ve set healthy and solid boundaries, which includes not allowing anyone, to include my father, to manipulate me (i.e., especially trying to make me feel guilty), take advantage of me (i.e., mistaking gentle kindness for weakness), control me (i.e., telling me who to be and how to live my life), use me (i.e., to make themselves feel better about themselves)  and/or emotionally abuse me (i.e., try to make buddha-quote-imagine-everyone-your-teacher-englightened-perfect-paience-wisdom-compassionme feel bad about myself, talk to me in patronizing or condescending tone, try to make me feel unworthy, etc.)
I deserve better than that; every soul deserves to be treated with respect and kindness.
Although it took a lot of souls to play “negative” roles in my life to help me to finally wake up and focus on changing within me, I believe my father was the last, major wake-up call. Thank you true self for this amazing wisdom! ^_^

Acknowledging My Thoughts, Feelings & Intention

I realize that I have a choice to continue being around those who still carry a lot of hate in their hearts (which stems from hurt, and ultimately fear)…or not. I also have a choice to continue being loving to someone who doesn’t even appreciate it…or not.
If they’re not ready to change, and I can’t help change them…well, the other option is to let them go. My biological father is 78 years old, but still refuses to remember his true self. Even when he visited me in 2012, quote-print-on-canvas_2268-0he bragged and laughed about how he used to throw Vietnamese men off the plane as he was interrogating them until one of them started “singing like a canary.”
I confronted him shortly afterwards, but at the moment, I just sat in the restaurant in disbelief, along with my husband, because it was right after we had picked him up from the airport. I actually felt sad for him and embarrassed that my husband had to hear about it.
I can understand having been forced to do something horrific like that as part of one’s military mission in the past (which isn’t legal by the way); but to not feel any remorse about it after so many decades seemed out of place, especially considering that he was captured shortly after the incident and became a POW, where he was apparently tortured as well.
1044277_545046608864597_1123686408_nIt’s as if he completely lost touch with his ability to feel compassion in his heart. It’s no wonder he didn’t feel bad about abandoning my mother and I when I was a baby.
I now realize that his lack of empathy and compassion for others stems from a lack of his self-love. Once, he truly starts to love his true self unconditionally, he will be able to love others unconditionally as well.
Until then, he will continue to be in love with his false ego, which he created from a fear-based belief system…only embracing the characteristics of himself that seem “worthy” and “successful” in the eyes of those who embrace a materialistic society.
I’m grateful that’s he’s existence in my life has challenged me to be more understanding, empathetic, compassionate, forgiving, accepting, embracing, and unconditionally loving (especially to myself). It’s easy to love the lovable; the true challenge is to unconditionally love (even from a distance) the so-called “unlovable.”
I’m in the process of completely falling in loving with myself now, which includes only being in healthy and positive relationships. You can give of your time, your attention, your kindness, your understanding, your compassion, your love and other gifts that express love, but if the person receiving it doesn’t even appreciate it, why waste everyone’s time? I love Joel Osteen’s quote, “Spend time with those who celebrate you, rather than tolerate you.”

Delving into the Abyss of My Soul

The above insight (within the section, “What My Biological Father Mirrored to Me”) came to me when I started writing this post. The following insight came weeks after I dug even deeper within myself.
I dug deeper because I felt like there was still this major tug of war between the two most powerful forces within me…fear and love.
A part of me (my ego self—who I think I am, as opposed to who I truly am, and who reacts from fear and exists to protect me from harm) was like, “Forget about him already! He’s not worth anyone’s time, to include yours. That man only cares about himself. You can love him from a distance!”
Note: Thank you nice-cool-pics.com for mesmerizing image on left.
entertainment-blue-light-in-darkness-free-500743However, another part of me (my true self/my soul/God/Goddess/All That Is within me/who I truly am) was like, “It’s your choice, since you have free will. Follow your heart.
Since you requested for further clarification, your wish has been granted. As difficult as this may be to accept…he is worth your time.
You don’t have to deal with him; however, if you don’t, then someone similar in nature will show up in your reality, not to torment you, but to grant your soul’s wish…to experience in the physical (on earth) three of the greatest challenges of life…remembering to Be True Self, especially pure compassion, unlimited forgiveness, and unconditional love.
Note: Thank you coolwallpaperz.info for bright image on right.
energy_heartIn Matthew 18:21-35, Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. However, you and I both know that, throughout 40 years, you’ve forgiven your mother much more than 77 times, and even more than most people could even tolerate.
Fortunately, you’ve recently made real peace with your mother by unconditionally loving yourself and her.
Practically everyone she knew gave up on her, but you didn’t. And why? because you intuitively knew that there was something else…even though you weren’t able to place your finger on it at the time.
You may lack patience in some things; however, you have shown that you have immense patience and resilience when it comes to loving another soul, and you have received your well-earned rewards because of your choices that stemmed from love.
Note: Thank you oulcenter.healthandspirit.co.nz for image on left.
10258735-blue-fire-ball-illustration-on-black-background-for-designLike you mentioned above, it’s too easy to love the likable and lovable; however, it takes that triple, extra love (pure compassion) to love the seemingly  most unlovable. Words of wisdom can be great concepts; however, it’s the personal experience that gives profound meaning to those words.
Anyone can talk the talk of forgiving people left and right for small mistakes; however, it is only those who actually experience continuously forgiving and are deeply willing to unconditionally love the seemingly most unlovable beings that brings these words of wisdom to Life!
Sure, it’s much easier to tell your biological father goodbye, but what do you believe will be more rewarding in the end? You regretted not having forgiven your father (who raised you) before he passed away two years ago of a heart-attack.
Note: Thank you www.123rf.com for peaceful image on right.
22910046-head-of-blue-fire-horse-on-black-backgroundYour biological father may not have that many years left; hes’ already 78 years old. As you mentioned in your post, ‘Unconditional Love from Angels and Aliens,’ your father speaks, behaves and acts in an extremely selfish manner because he lives from a deeply ingrained fear-based, belief system.
Because he doesn’t remember his true self, he doesn’t realize that his essence is unconditional love. Instead, he believes that he must receive constant attention, recognition, praise, encouragement, understanding, empathy, compassion, acceptance and love from others in order to convince himself that he is indeed worthy.
Note: Thank you www.123rf.com for peaceful image on left.
blue_fire_flower_wallpaper_2-wideImagine a child who does the same thing. As a mature and loving adult, would you deny such a child the unconditional love that he/she deserves? Yes, your father is not a child, but the human age of an individual doesn’t necessarily reflect his or her emotional maturity level and soul age.
Now imagine for a moment: If I were to tell you that your biological father is one of the countless past versions of you, would you have more compassion for him/you? Would you be more inclined to help him/you to remember his/your true self?
After all, you do believe that We Are All One, and that it’s not just some fancy words new agers like to throw around? If so, then after all is said and done…ALL souls should eventually return to All That Is, true?
Note: Thank you www.hdwpapers.com  for image on right.
blue_fire_polar_bear_by_daietsu-d4rtxpgWe’d all be ecstatically flying and dancing around high-fiving one another for doing awe-inspiring jobs of each playing the ‘good guy’ and ‘bad guy’ throughout many lifetimes, and helping one another with life lessons.
We would be very grateful for the many life lessons that we were able to experience while on Earth, but there would be no need for forgiveness anymore because there would be nothing to forgive.
However, unlike before we went to Earth, forgiveness is no longer just a concept to us.”
Note: Thank you www.deviantart.com for image on left.

Blue-Dragon-WallpaperMy earth, biological father helped me to physically experience and remember that I AM Worthy, Abundant and Successful, and I don’t need anything outside of me (to include acceptance, approval, awards, medals, recognition, appreciation and unconditional love from him or anyone else) to experience my true essence. He also helped me to experience life’s greatest challenges…Being profound understanding, pure compassion, unconditional forgiveness, and unconditional love.

Note: Thank you www.devinemiracles.com  for image on right.

What My Mother Mirrored to Me

quote-without-forgiveness-life-is-governed-by-an-endless-cycle-of-resentment-and-retaliation-roberto-assagioli-7883The only reason I made a choice to continue a relationship with my mother is because she has shown over the decades that’s she’s willing to change for the positive.
Sometimes, it’s about effort and baby steps rather than leaps and bounds of strong faith and drastic change.
My mother slowly transformed from: making angry comments out loud like, “I hope this entire world explodes from an atomic bomb!” and “You rotten bitch!”, being an alcoholic, abuser (verbally, emotionally and physically) to others, manipulating and controlling others, and compulsively lying…into a more understanding, patient, forgiving and loving person.
579155_542478209112530_871214710_nOne of the main posts I wrote about her was, “Liberating Wings of Freedom (Rising Above Childhood and/or Adulthood Abuse),” and an update on my current relationship with her in my “bobbie in a BIG nutshell” page.

Unconditional Love Lost as Conditional Love

I’ve forgiven my mother numerous times since I can remember, for being hurtful—emotionally and physically—because I desired to see in her who I believed she truly is, although I didn’t know exactly who that was as a child. I just knew that there had to be something else. I also believe that I yearned to experience a mother’s unconditional love as well.
The following quote reminded me of her:
Donald Woods Winnicott

“The mother gazes at the baby in her arms, and the baby gazes at his mother’s face and finds himself therein…provided that the mother is really looking at the unique, small, helpless being and not projecting her own expectations, fears, and plans for the child. In that case, the child would find not himself in his mother’s face, but rather the mother’s own projections. This child would remain without a mirror, and for the rest of his life would be seeking this mirror in vain.”
― Donald Woods Winnicott
1016135_677834012243615_1930902185_nEver since I was a child, my mother often reminded me how she sacrificed her life for me, and even married an American so that I could have a future in the States. She even encouraged me while I was growing up to become an anchor so that people could see me on TV, and that maybe my biological father would recognize me one day.
She told me that she wished for me to find my biological father, but only provided me with a full name and his last duty station in the Air Force. I never even saw a picture of him. She told me not to ever get married since men can’t be trusted, and that I should join the Air Force after high school and live with her forever.
However, when I didn’t choose any of her plans for me, she withheld even the little love that she gave to me. I was blamed for my biological father leaving us, my American dad leaving us, and ultimately…ruining her life…none of which were true, I found out later.
The only reason why I wasn’t blamed for her third marriage not lasting was because I was living in the States at the time, and it was very brief.
Because my mother had forgotten her true self—that she is in essence unconditional love—she desperately tried to find it in me, who in turn had the same needs as her. We can’t give to others what we don’t believe we have within ourselves.
When we become so lost in our search for love, fear can quickly set in, and we can get blinded, and easily mistaken neediness, manipulation, jealousy and control as means of attaining this seemingly elusive love.
Note: Thank you groups.yahoo.com for image on left.

black-snowflakeA Walk in My Soul Family’s Shoes

My mother’s words, actions and behaviors ultimately stemmed from various forms of fear, which more than likely accumulated from not only this lifetime, but past lifetimes as well.
Like I mentioned in the posts about her, I sensed that she, too, had been neglected and abused (emotionally, physically and sexually) since she was a child.
My grandmother had nine children (one adopted), whom she had to raise mostly by herself, since my grandfather was apparently absent most of the time.
He had a mistress on the side (like a lot of men throughout the world did back in the day, even more so than these days), whom he mostly spent his days with, so the joke was (from my grandmother) that he would briefly stick around with my grandmother to knock her up again.
Note: Thank you www.treehugger.com for beautiful image on right.
OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAIt just occurred to me why my grandmother was very sarcastic (not always in a mean way); she used humor to cover up her pain throughout all those decades of hardship, betrayal, disrespect, loss of dignity, poverty and suffering.
I once asked one of my former soldiers why he had the need to turn practically everything he says into a joke. He then admitted that it was his way of covering up his true feelings about something…that it was just easier to deal with.
It didn’t help my grandmother that my grandfather was an alcoholic as well, and also gambled away their family’s money. His gambling problem further explains why my mother felt bitter, not only towards my grandmother, but to my grandfather as well.
My grandmother had to pull her out of school when she was 13 years old, since she was one of the oldest kids, so that she could help support the family with whatever type of work that would accept her.
Note: Thank you izismile.com for beautiful image on left.
alexey-kljatov-10A few years ago, during a visit to Korea, I asked my mother how my grandfather passed away. She calmly and apathetically answered, as she was staring into space, that one day, he was craving for some dog meat so she bought him some. Note: meat was very scarce in Korea back in the day, so they improvised their protein intake. She then continued that he strangely laid still in bed (semi-conscious) for about four days, and then passed away.
At that very moment, I had a flashback of when she suggested to me (when I was 10 years old) to commit suicide together by taking rat poison in the rice patties.
My Caucasian father, who had adopted me since I was three years old, had threatened my mom that he was going to divorce her and leave us. I wrote a post about it called, “Learned Solution.”
Note: Thank you www.diyphotography.net  for beautiful image on right.
snowflake-3bI then had a feeling that perhaps she mixed some rat poison in with the dog meat that she had bought him. I then had a feeling that my alcoholic grandfather may have sexually abused my mother when she was a teenager, which would explain why my mother resented my grandmother as well, making comments like, “She only cares about her sons.”
I recall my mother mentioning once that her father used to take her and one of her younger sisters (when they were teenagers) to the drink house (similar to the geisha houses in Japan where there’s drinking of alcohol and entertainment from women).
I wondered why a father would take his daughters to such a place. I didn’t have any similar stories to make comparisons, but it just didn’t sit well. I now have a feeling that his addictions to drinking, smoking, gambling and sex stemmed from his own inner suffering that he wasn’t able to heal from.
Note: Thank you petapixel.com for beautiful image on left.
1272702-bigthumbnailEven one addiction is a cry for help, let alone four, and god knows what other issues he had. What’s interesting to me is that I recently saw him in one of my vivid dreams for the first time. I’ve never met my grandfather before, but I’ve seen a huge portrait of him at my grandmother’s house.
In the dream, I was observing him as he went about his business around a Korean village back in the day. It was as if I was floating in the air, and he didn’t even realize I was present. At one point, he told my grandmother to wait outside while he entered some hut-like house.
I had a feeling my soul time-traveled to the past due to one of my old curiosities. Perhaps it was a sign for me to see my grandfather through the eyes of God.
I recorded the dream, along with others, in my dream journal that I started a little over two years ago, ever since I started noticing vivid and unusual dreams.
Note: Thank you nature.desktopnexus.com for beautiful image on right.
4660227_b5c9c03838The only reason why I could empathize with my mother, and be able to visualize my grandmother looking the other way—had she been aware of such possible happenings (sexual abuse)–is because I hardly ever saw my grandmother express any emotions. She smiled every now and then, but looking back now, she seemed so apathetic.
I believe she became that way in order to survive her harsh reality. Unless one has been in that person’s shoes, one will never know what it’s like to raise nine children pretty much on your own while your husband is living with a mistress. I can only imagine what something like that could do to a person’s spirit…more than likely crush it.
My grandmother was mysterious to me. Throughout my visits with her, while my cousins were still at school (before their summer or winter breaks began), I would initiate conversations with my grandmother. She once told me, while smiling, that I was curious little one.
Once in a while, when she was in the mood, she would tell me interesting stories, which was one of my favorite moments. I used to try and visualize the situations as she shared her story-telling.
Note: Thank you chartreuse.wordpress.com for beautiful image on left.
OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAOnce, she nonchalantly told me that when she was younger, she saw a ghost sitting next to a well at night in the countryside . This was the first ghost story I ever heard in real life. She said that it was like a transparent whitish colored woman.
Even though a part of her was scared, she was so curious that she kept staring at it. That’s all I recall of the story. I just remember believing her.
Another time, when she was a kid, she went to her mother’s small vanity/dressing table, and noticed a round powder set. So she decided to sit in front of it and powder her face over and over again until it turned bright white. She was so fascinated by it that she showed her mother.
Sometimes, I apparently watched my grandmother like a hawk. One time, while she was sitting down on the floor playing Korean cards by herself, I just sat quietly observing her every move.
Note: Thank you izismile.com for beautiful image on right.
1172564-un-flocon-de-neigeTo my surprise, she started laughing, which was rare. She then said with an animated voice and goofy expression (to include pouty lips), as she quickly tilted her head side to side, “What is it that you’re staring at so intently?” and gently turned my nose like a doorknob. She reminded me of a cartoon character.
Once, I watched my grandmother as she chased a white chicken around like a chicken with its head cut off. I laughed my happy butt off…until I saw her chop its head off, and then it ran around with its head off. I was amazed by its ability to run around without its head. It was also the first time I had witnessed an animal being butchered.
She then made chicken soup out of it, and it was The BEST chicken soup I ever had, and I never had anything close to it since.
Note: Thank you www.linternaute.com for beautiful image on left.
image_532712100536225707220My grandmother was an amazing cook! She used to make one of the best kimchee I ever had. She also made dumpling soup from scratch—traditional soup made with homemade dough flakes roughly torn by hand with vegetables—tuna kimchee stew (tastes way better than it sounds), pumpkin and rice cake porridge, etc…recipes that my mother and aunts never made (besides kimchee).
I loved my grandmother. Even though my drill sergeant-like uncle (an Army veteran)—who used to shout at the top of his lungs, bright and early every morning, “Kee-sang!!!” which means, “Rise/Get up/Roll out!!!”…something soldiers often used—insisted on making me use the outhouse at night, my grandmother managed to convince him that I wasn’t used to it, and that she was concerned that I would accidentally fall in since I was so small.
Note: Thank you en.wallpapers-3d.ru for beautiful image on right.
364859The truth was…I was scared, not only of the dark, but of falling in, especially after one of the stories that she had shared with me.
She said that once, in her village, a little boy accidentally fell in-between the rectangle opening of the outhouse that led straight to a pool of poop that had been marinating there for a long time and attracting flies.
Lucky for him, the outhouse had recently been emptied out, so the level of mushy and stinky poop was below his head. Even though his family bathed him multiple times, the joke was that he continued to smell like the outhouse. Because I was so germophobic since I can recall, the very thought made me cringe.
Note: Thank you www.all-hd-wallpapers.com for beautiful image on left.
snowflake-heartWhen I was two years old, my mother and Korean relatives found it strange that I preferred cleaning the dressers, along with a huge portrait of my biological father in uniform (that I remember), with cloths, rather than play with toys.
When I was three years old, my mother told me that I amused her. I was playing right outside my home, but then immediately came home with one of my arms straight out and stiff (parallel to the ground). She asked me what happened, and I apparently said with an emotionless expression, “I need to wipe my arm; a strange man touched me.”
My family figured it was genetic since my biological father had OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), although he left us when I was six months old.
Note: Thank you allisonclark.me for beautiful image on right.
snowflakesWhile my parents were together, he expected my mother to wash and iron the sheets daily. She confessed to me that she cheated sometimes by just ironing the sheets on certain days because it seemed like such a waste of water and detergent to wash them every single day. My mother likes things to be very clean as well, but even she though my father was very unusual.
He also refused to drink out of a glass if it had any spots on it. I like being clean (although i also like to be a slob every now and then), but I’m not that anal….although I’ve been jokingly referred to as being anal by one of my former first sergeants (who was prior Special Forces) in Hawaii.
When my bio dad visited me in my home for the first time in 38 years, one of the stories he told me was that his father used to treat him like a soldier starting when he was six years old. My great-grandfather served in the U.S. Navy, and my grandfather served in the U.S. Army, so it was a family tradition.
Note: Thank you diapersanddivinity.com for beautiful image on left.
snejinkaMy father was forced to study and memorize the nomenclature (model numbers) for Army vehicles, aircraft, equipment, and weapons. He also had to spit-shine his shoes and line them up under his bed ‘dress-right-dress’ (i.e, side by side in an accurately organized manner) so that he would be prepared for his daily inspections.
One day, he couldn’t take it anymore, so he ran away (not too far) and hid inside an empty, cardboard box that was somewhere on post. The MP’s (military police) found him and called his parents. Ever since, his father became even more strict and continuously reminded him to prove his worthiness.
Although I empathized with my dad while listening to his heart-breaking story, my built-up resentment towards him at the end of his visit (for being unbelievably selfish) clouded my ability to continue seeing him through the eyes of God/Goddess/All That Is, which led to passive-aggressive behavior on my end, and my own suffering, to include struggling to understand, empathize with, have compassion for, forgive, accept, embrace, and eventually love unconditionally.
Note: Thank you plus.google.com for beautiful image on right.
3196766975_68a95897e4Now that I’ve revisited this space, I can see with clarity. My heart goes out to my dad. No child deserves to be treated that way, and one can only imagine what it must have been like to live that type of lifestyle.
Being a soldier is even very challenging for an adult…for but for a kid to have to study oh-so-boring field manuals and god knows what else (Army regulations?) is just sad.  The sheer mental, emotional, and physical stress that comes with such a strict environment is harsh as it is.
Note: Thank you www.zujava.com for beautiful image on left.
Snowflake-Nature-Form-HDI believe my grandfather had good intentions—he desired to mold my dad into a highly competent, mentally and physically tough soldier, who has the potential to excel in life, especially in a foreign country where Japanese people were not exactly accepted, let alone embraced, during those times.
If he had experienced extreme racism (I imagine way more than my generation has), and he managed not only to survive, but to excel in the U.S. military, he was more than likely aware that his son/my dad would also experience much racism, and was determined to ensure that his son would also prove to the world that he, too, (regardless of being of Japanese descent), would succeed as well.
Note: Thank you indervilla.com for beautiful image on right.
imagesI also imagine that my grandfather father’s was strict with him as well, which explains why they all became such overachievers.
Unfortunately, a family tradition of overachievers can do some damage as well as good. Although my dad and my grandfather succeeded in many areas of their lives, it came with a huge price…their emotional needs had been neglected and even repressed and suppressed.
Tough love is effective to a certain degree…to much of anything can cause more damage than good. Next thing you know, tough love gets mistaken for an absence of love, which can be devastating for a child.
stock-footage-snowy-snow-christmas-video-background-loop-abstract-stylized-snowflakes-slowly-movingNote: Thank you www.flickr.com for beautiful image on left.
Although I wasn’t raised by my biological father, I was often told that I was just like him. Now, I finally see him in me and me in him, and I’m at peace with it. I believe we crossed each others’ paths to help one another with our soul growth, as a soul family, and I’m grateful for that.
Note: Thank you footage.shutterstock.com for beautiful image on right.

Choosing the Meaning of a Life Experience

tree84-290x290My parents used to drop me off practically every summer and winter vacation during elementary school to stay at my grandmothers’ house while they went on vacations. My youngest uncle and my two, sister-like cousins lived with my grandmother as well. My cousins were one and two years older than me (my Buddha aunt’s daughters). Note: I call her Buddha aunt because she’s been a Buddhist monk for a while now.
Perhaps my unconscious resentment towards my grandmother for not being an aware and protective caretaker manifested in my dream state.
I used to have these reoccurring nightmares throughout my childhood every now and then, where I was lying down with my eyes closed (pretending as though I was asleep), and I just heard voices. I heard my uncle say, “I can’t, it won’t go in.” I then heard my grandmother’s commanding voice say, “Just stick it in!” It was disturbing that the voices seemed so clear, as though it had actually happened.
I used to think to myself, “Why would I imagine something so horrible like that? What’s wrong with me?” I then chose to label it as a nightmare, regardless of what it really was. I only had one grandparent, and I wanted to keep the memory as pure as possible. After all, I loved my grandmother.
Note: Thank you pixelcurse.com for breathtaking image on left.
TreeStation48For the past two years, I’ve seen my grandmother in my dreams, ever since she passed away. I believe she’s been making contact with me in order to remind me to Be Forgiveness and Peace. I recorded all of my dreams about my grandmother in my dream journal.
Other family members (whom I was close to and also passed away) that I often see in my dreams are my Caucasian father who raised me and passed away from a heart attack, and my Seoul aunt’s first husband who passed away from cancer; my aunt and uncle used to take me fishing as a kid. 
Note: Thank you pixelcurse.com for breathtaking image on right.
inf-treeThe only family member who I haven’t seen clearly in my dreams (at her actual age, not as a child) is my one of three closest cousins, who had committed suicide back in 1997, when I was pregnant with my first child/daughter.
Note: Thank you www.designzzz.com for breathtaking image on left.
Tree-Photography-in-Low-LightI was concerned about her spiritual well being (due to my conditioned beliefs from society); but last night, my true self granted my request to make contact with her.
In this dream, I was in a tiny room, and I saw my Seoul aunt and youngest uncle asleep with some type of nose cover on their faces. I looked behind me and noticed that the sliding door was locked, so I unlocked it. They immediately woke up and their nose covers came off. Then the wall behind them evaporated into mist, and I then saw what appeared to be moving energy in the background that was a few shades of gloomy colors. I heard what sounded like angry sounds rather than any type of language, and My Seoul aunt told me that this is how my cousin communicates with her. 

When I woke up, I chose to trust that continuing to send her positive and powerful love energies will transmute her dense, fear energy that she more than likely carried with her as her body transformed into another state. Or perhaps it was just me projecting my own fear of what happened to her.
Note: Thank you www.yusrablog.com for breathtaking image on right.
National-Geographic-46th-and-47th-Week-in-Breathtaking-Photos-05I believe my dreams have revealed to me that all is well in my family members’ world, and that there is no need for me to wonder or worry about them.
Every soul is on their journey at their own pace, and when they’re done with everything they choose to experience…they, like all other souls, will eventually return to God/Goddess/All That Is.
The following quoted message is a section from the reading ==>http://thegoldenlightchannel.com/message-from-telos-and-inner-earth-via-goldenlight-8-26-13/
“So these Atlantean energies, higher dimensional energies, using mostly crystals for energy and power will begin to be used again as your higher dimensional worlds continue to come into being. This is all an energetic realm and transition that we speak of. It is simply the raising of your individual frequencies and vibrations that brings you into tune with these realms. As an example, when the channel sleeps she goes to the next higher level up which is now the 5th dimension and she visits often with her relatives who have passed on who are in that higher realm. She’s been doing this since she was a small child. This is an example of a human being who can transition energetically to the higher dimensions. This is something that she and you all will be doing in a conscious awareness state as you continue to progress.”
Looking back, I realize even more so than when I first heard the saying, “It’s not what happens to you, but how you choose to perceive it”…or something like that.
Anyway, I forgave my uncle a long time ago, and I wrote a post about it called, “Awkward” or “Awkwardness” because I think it was more awkward than traumatic, since I had to put on a mask every day I was there as if I didn’t know what was going on. I don’t recall being harmed in any way.
90fba69c46300fea760737Note: Thank you National Geographic for breathtaking image on left.
I never told anyone because I was afraid that if I had told my mother, she would probably go on a killing spree and kill both my uncle and I. I feared my mother, which probably started from one of my memories of her when I was three years old.
I wrote a post about it called, “Frustration,” where it seemed like a taste of drowning.  Anyway, I never even talked to my cousins about it either, although I developed a very close relationship with them.
Note: Thank you www.newsgd.com for breathtaking image on right.

Our Deep Yearning for Unconditional Love

loverays500I especially formed a very close and unconventional bond with my 2nd oldest cousin, which I believe stemmed from our similar experiences of having been sexually stimulated/molested, at least once.
The more I learned about emotional, physical and sexual abuse as an adult, I recognized some of the signs that my cousin and I both displayed, to include attempting suicide when we were in our early twenties (when I was in the States, and she was in Korea).
The other major sign was being sexually active at a very young age. It must have been in either 4th or 5th grade that my cousin and I started experimenting sexually with one another. Granted, we didn’t really know what we were doing, but I believe we explored each other’s bodies out of curiosity and a desire to further bond with one another.
Of course, we tried to keep it our own little secret, but I recall sensing that both my oldest cousin and my mother knew about it, but didn’t say anything. My mother once walked in on my cousin and I when they came to visit us at our home. She just closed the door as she saw us scurry under the blanket like little mice.
Note: Thank you www.powerfulintentions.org  for beautiful image on left.
Celestial_Sensation_by_acidbluesAs I got older, and became more conditioned by society, I started feeling guilty and ashamed of our taboo relationship, so I started gradually reducing such interactions. I then started feeling confused about my whole relationship with my cousin; I had mixed feelings of both resentment and love.
Looking back, I completely understand why we behaved in such ways, and I no longer regret or feel ashamed about our experiences. Regardless of how society may perceive such a relationship (cousinly love/Korean rednecks I suppose), when I choose to see through the eyes of God/Goddess/All That Is, I see nothing but beauty and perfection.
We were just two, little orphan-like girls yearning to experience unconditional love, something we were both deprived of since we were babies. I hardly ever spent quality time with my parents, and my cousin’s mother/my Buddha aunt worked a lot of hours (before she became a Buddhist monk) in order to support her two, daughters. She trusted my grandmother to help raise them. My cousins’ father was hardly ever around since he had another family.
Fires_of_Creation_by_Discarn8Note: Thank you www.starseeds.net for beautiful image on right.
We were able to relate to one another, so we desired to expand our love for one another beyond thoughts, feelings, words and typical playtime. A kiss on the cheek probably led to a kiss on the lips, holding hands probably led to other forms of touching, and so on and so forth.
My cousins are still one of the most precious people in my life; I love them unconditionally and immensely, like I do my children and husband. I love other family members and friends as well, but I feel as though they’re the only ones who I’d even give my life for.
Note: Thank you www.starseeds.net for beautiful image on left.

Ending the Passing Down of Emotional Suffering

Tranquility_Beach_MoonriseWhen a parent(s) doesn’t heal from their past wounds, they can either consciously or unconsciously past them down to their children. They may say and do things that don’t stem from love, even though that may not always be their intentions.
That’s why I’m so grateful that my two kids didn’t end up living with me after I joined the Army; God knows what kind of heavy baggage I might have placed on them unintentionally.
I didn’t even accept the fact that I needed any kind of professional healing whatsoever until my late thirties, where I ended up in a mental institution for having made an impulse decision one morning while I was in the Army.
Note: Thank you esheafer.deviantart.com for peaceful image on right.

I learned almost two years later that impulse decisions happen when one surrenders their ego self and chooses to be their I AM Presence.

Anyway, my actions boggled my logical mind and highly pissed off my ego self who shouted repeatedly, “You’re a Sergeant First Class/Platoon Sergeant in the U.S. Army with a TS/SCI clearance…what the hell is going on?! You worked so hard to get where you are, and you even received top-rated NCOERS (i.e., evaluations) throughout your career, and you just threw everything out the freakin’ door!!! Are you insane?! Your soldiers are going to be so disappointed in you! Your career is over! Your husband’s going to divorce you! Your life is over!!! You should be soo ashamed of yourself!!! You’re a huge failure. You destroyed the very image that I helped you to build.”
It was one of the worst and best things that ever happened for me in my life. It was one of the worst because a part of me (my ego self, that I wasn’t aware of then) was about to lose its mind and everything I worked hard for in the past, and it was one of the best things that ever happened for me in my life because another part of me (I believe my true self, looking back) felt so free, peaceful, and happy for having made the impulse decision; I also had amazing experiences following that unconventional decision.
tranquility-flowsNote: Thank you insearchofsimplicity.com for peaceful image on left.
Every person, place, event, and thing that led me up to that moment since I was born, was perfect in design, to include being raped while I was at my first duty station in the Army, being triggered by another leader with similar vibes, being surrounded by a lot of “negative” coworkers, and having marital problems at home…all the arrows pointing back to my own inner turmoil that was ready to explode like a volcano.
Note: Thank you inspirechange1.wordpress.com for peaceful image on right.
1The ego-self can only repress and suppress so much suffering from built-up blockages of negative energy inside (i.e., sadness, sorrow, trauma, hurt, pain, guilt, shame, regret, hatred, anger, rage, vengefulness, disappointments, judgment, resentment, hopelessness, apathy…all stemming from fear).
I wrote about this particular impulse decision, along with the consequences from the Army and the disguised blessings from God/Goddess/All That Is, in the post, “Discovering the Beauty Behind the Walls of the Mentally Ill,” where my major healing began.
Note: Thank you designtaxi.com for peaceful image on left.
Pure_Tranquility_by_allonlimMy first husband was right when he had told me that he didn’t believe (and neither would the court) that I would be a fit, single parent for our kids (after I joined the Army and later divorced him) since I had attempted suicide when I was in my early twenties (years before I met him). I suppose I’ll never find out, but I would like to believe that I would’ve given them the best of me.
Regardless of how things turned out, I’m very grateful that my first/ex-husband soon married a wonderful woman who is an earth angel to me and my children. I wrote about her in my post, “Dream Mother.” She comes from a non-dysfunctional family, which I believe helped my first/ex-husband to heal as well, since he had experienced much neglect and abuse throughout his childhood.
Note: Thank you allonlim.deviantart.com for peaceful image on right.
dream- tranquilityThey are both good people and great parents who raise my kids in a safe, abundant, and loving environment. Everything fell into place perfectly, although I had struggled with my own self for the longest time, trying to understand why I couldn’t have the simple, happy family that I had dreamed about since I was a child. I had also carried an intense feeling of guilt (which I’m still working on completely releasing) of not being there for my kids (besides visits) as a mother.
I AM increasing my faith that everything happened and happens perfectly in Divine ‘right’ timing and Divine ‘right’ order for every soul’s growth and highest good.
Note: Thank you magictiara.blogspot.com for peaceful image on left.

Remembering to Love Myself Unconditionally

The more I work towards remembering my true self, I gain insight that was previously beyond my imagination.
EmpathyWhen we are not clear about the true meaning of love, we may desperately cling onto someone out of fear of losing the only love we’ve ever known. And sometimes, this neediness comes in the form of manipulation, jealousy, and control.
When we understand this, we can feel empathy and have compassion for ourselves and others when we behave this way, rather than be judgmental about it.
My psychologist, who I was seeing up until a year ago, mentioned to me that she had a feeling that I would never receive the unconditional love that I was yearning for from my mother.
I replied that I was very aware of that, but that my goal was to give her unconditional love. She looked at me with disbelief because she probably believed that my persistence to love my mother was conditional.
Note: Thank you www.brucesallan.com for image on right.
Spiritual-Awakening-Lao-TzuShe was convinced that both my parents were narcissists. It saddened me to hear that, because I was half of each of them.
So what did that make me? The Super Narcissist?? Only if I choose to be one. It did make me wonder if my psychologist perceived me as one as well, so I asked her.
She denied it, but I could sense there was some judgment, and I could understand why. I explained to her why I believed my mother was the way she was, and why I have compassion for her.
However, at the time, I still couldn’t figure out why my bio dad was the way he was since my mother at least had the ability to show love, especially care and concern.
benjaminspock100344My psychologist is a gentle-loving soul, active listener, and honest lady. Her professionalism and profound understanding of human nature was the best I had seen in the field, since I had spoke with several psychologists and therapists in the past. However, I intuitively sensed that it was time to discontinue my sessions with her.
I noticed that as my psychologist asked me questions on what I thought about certain topics we discussed, I found myself answering my own questions. I soon realized that this was my intuition and inner-wisdom from my Higher Self.
images (2)I understand now why it’s been so challenging for me to unconditionally love myself.
I was the halves of the two, most unloving people (due to their amnesia of remembering their true selves) I had ever met or known my entire life, who not only failed to love me unconditionally as parents, but also managed to deeply convince me that I was unworthy due to their own lack of self-love.
Now if I wanted to dig deeper, and see with clarity, I would realize that my biological parents are a reflection of the darker aspects of me (my shadow self) that my ego self judges as “unacceptable” and “undesirable” to society. I believe they are both my ultimate challenges/life lessons before I’m able to unconditionally love the ALL of Father God or Father Sky/Mother Goddess or Mother Earth/All That Is.
So the question I had for my true self was, “So how can I start this process of loving myself unconditionally which I’m having such a difficult time doing?”
wtf1109selflovechangesFirst of all, if someone I cared about (e.g., a former soldier of mine) approached me and said, “My mother was a drug addict, and my father is currently serving time in prison. So what does  that make me? How can I love myself unconditionally?”…
I would reply (since I’m apparently more confident in comforting others that I am of myself, which I’m changing), “You are not defined by your past, to include the people in your past…even if they’re your closest loved ones. You don’t have to own the mistakes that others make; however, you can definitely learn from them and grow as a soul. Every soul goes through their soul growth at their own pace. If you choose to evolve at a faster rate, by remembering your true self/your true essence, which is Divine unconditional love…then it’s done, and no labels on earth can ever stop you from Being who you truly are.”
To-experience-true-self-loveThe other answer that I received as an intuitive knowing was to remember my true self by better understanding, empathizing with, having compassion for, forgiving, accepting, embracing and unconditionally loving myself and others.
I was then reminded again that both my parents suffered from not receiving enough unconditional love from their own parents, as well as others, and they also experienced a lot of hurt throughout their lives, to include other past lives.
And since they weren’t able to process their pain and suffering in a healthy way, they became overly protective of themselves (survival mode); hence, becoming too selfish and living from a highly fear-based belief system.
And because my biological father is not ready to hear the truth (that his true essence is unconditional love) and heal from it, he continues to suffer by desperately trying to get it from others.
32102_20130302_080135_1_(11)However, I understand that everyone goes through their soul growth at their own pace, so it’s best to let them be.
Although my parents may be labeled as “narcissists”/their egos/their self-image to society, I believe their true selves are Divine beings, just like everyone else. It’s just that they are in a deeper state of forgetfulness than the average person because it’s part of their life contract they signed up for before incarnating on earth.
Of course, there are even others who are in an even deeper state of amnesia; for example, thieves, con artists, drug dealers, members of organizations that support a fear-based belief system, pimps (e.g. KKK), murderers, and serial killers.
From what I’ve learned about most serial killers so far, is that they’ve all been deeply hurt by others, whether it was from this lifetimes or past lifetimes.
And because they weren’t able to process this hurt in a healthy way, it built up to the point of exploding rage, destroying everything in its pathway. Serial killers are so deeply lost in the darkness that it would literally take a miracle of Light work to help them to remember their true selves…that they’re essence is unconditional love.
overcoming-adversity-poster (1)There’s a part of me that resonates with serial killers, as crazy and disturbing as that may sound, which more than likely stems from my past as well, whether it’s solely from this lifetime or from past lifetimes as well.  I even wrote a post about it a while back called, “A Very Dark Side of Me” which even surprised me after I published it because it made me feel so vulnerable and “evil.”
I believe my ego did what it could to try and repair what it perceived as yet another ‘damaging act’ I did to my self-image by adding loving comments to the post afterwards; but the truth is, I realize that part of me is still within me, and it has the potential to come alive if I choose it.
If someone were to hurt my kids, I would instantaneously switch my creative gears into darkness beyond probably my own imagination. They’re the only pure love that I’ve ever known in human form…besides my soul.
Granted, I may choose to Be pure compassion, and forgive them. I don’t know, but it’s one of those experiences that I have no interest in finding out.
Note: Thank you purelyconsumed.wordpress.com for image on left.
adversity-helen-kellerI’m sometimes fascinated with shows like Criminal Minds because it gives me an opportunity to explore the dark minds of those who have been severely hurt and traumatized, and why they make the choices that they do.
I empathize with them and feel deeply saddened by what they had to go through as a child. Granted, it’s a show, but I imagine there are a lot of similarities between the show and real life.
Sometimes, we human beings can be so cruel, not just to our own kind, but to other innocent creatures of earth as well (an ongoing example => in the movie, Blackfish). There were times when I hated humanity in general (which stemmed from my own “amnesia” of not remembering my true self/unconditional Love), and I could understand why God (if he truly did) desired to flood the majority of the population back in the day.
I imagine that I, too, have been a so-called “bad” and even “evil” person in one or more of my past lives, which explains why I’ve had many experiences of “negative” karma (as well as some positive karma) throughout this lifetime. I now understand that it’s all part of my soul growth, so I’m working on embracing everything that I experience in life and focus on Being Balance.
I believe people who act from a fear-based belief system are basically in a state of amnesia, where they have forgotten their true selves. Like Jesus said in Luke 23:34, “”Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”
Note: Thank you standrewsduncan.org for image on right.
Quotes-about-time-and-karma_1After a while, the viscous cycle of harming others does become outdated, repetitive and uninteresting–someone hurt me, so I go out and physically and emotionally hurt everyone, their mamas, their grandmamas and great grandmamas.
Karma (life lessons, as opposed to punishment), on the other hand, has an imagination far beyond what our own physical minds are capable of conceiving…and much more powerful.
For instance, we get hurt…we then understand, empathize with, have compassion for, genuinely and unconditionally forgive, accept what is, embrace and let go…and the next thing you know, days/weeks/months/years later…you unexpectedly hear about that person who hurt you, and all the juicy details that come with it…that karma paid them a sweet visit. But then again, we must also remember to smile at karma when she pays us a visit as well.
Although we’ve already moved on with our life, there’s still a small part of us that feels refreshingly satisfied and even blown away by the ultimate, master plan that worked our beautifully, effortlessly and perfectly for every soul’s benefit/soul growth…and nobody had to die in the process.
Note: Thank you todays-quotes.com for image on left.
life-is-a-echo-quote-karma-quotes-sayings-poem-pictures-picsI often thought I had all the qualifications to become a serial killer, so what prevented me from becoming one since it seems to be the part-time career choice for those who believe that they’ve been wronged by their loved ones? Granted, there are way more serial killers who are men than women. My small height could be another factor. Perhaps I’m afraid to become one. Perhaps I don’t have the intelligence or skills to become one.
Or maybe, I’d rather Be and do others things that don’t stem from the deepest, densest and darkest fear energy. Perhaps my soul had already experienced enough of that side, and finds it boring, and would much rather explore the bright side of Life…the immense power of Unconditional Love energy and creativity that lies deep within all of us. Darkness cannot diminish light; however, Light can enlighten darkness.
Several months ago, I experienced an intense emotion of I think passion. I just recall having a strong desire to all of a sudden experience an intense thunderstorm (because I had remembered to love it rather than fear it ever since I had a different perspective, and then wrote about it in my poem, “An Invitation from My Soul”).
Saguaro Lightning StormShortly afterwards, that evening, an unscheduled thunderstorm occurred. At first, I was very surprised and excited. The last time we had a thunderstorm, my husband and I captured the back-to-back lightning that we could see from our backyard on video because we had never seen anything quite like it before.
However, after less than 10 minutes, it became apparent that the wind was picking up at a rapid rate. We could even see the rain going in different directions. In what seemed like a nanosecond, a part of our fence almost flew off, just dangling there for dear life.
RainStormMy husband ran outside in the pouring rain, thunder and lightning, and struggled to tie some rope onto it and reconnect it to the stable fence. It was then that I started fearing again what had initially got me excited.
I wondered if I seriously had any influence over what was happening…that perhaps I received what I had wished for.
It just seemed too instantaneous, although I had read that seeing certain, reoccurring angel number sequences, especially 11:11, was a sign that the universe was manifesting one’s thoughts at a rapid rate/lightening speed.
I started focusing on visualizing the storm calming down, and it did within 10 minutes or so.
Now whether or not my intention and strong emotion correlated with the thunderstorm…I’m not 100% sure, but the experience was very personal. I thought, if I could just remember to channel this powerful energy in a positive way, I could truly move mountains (mostly figuratively, but perhaps literally as well one day).
Note: Thank you www.democraticunderground.com for image on right.
light-in-darknessWhile visiting Korea a while back, my mother shared stories with me about the increase of violence in Korea. One of the stories was about an international student who returned to Korea and buried his parents alive because they couldn’t afford to send him any more money.
Looking back, the student was truly lost within his own darkness—his fear led to anger…anger to rage…and rage to an unbelievable act.
I also believe that I was meant to hear about such a story because my shadow self’s desire to seek vengeance for my mother’s ongoing abuse had been repressed by my ego self since I was a child.
Note: Thank you marcominute.blogspot.com  for image on left.
dark-and-lightI told my mother that incidents similar to that happen throughout the world where kids or adults murder their parent(s), but usually because they had been abused by them as a child, not because they no longer received financial support.
I also wanted to add, “Consider yourself very lucky,” but it wasn’t necessary, because my mother’s silence and sudden avoidance of eye contact was suffice.
They say that you can find light even in pitch darkness…if you look carefully. I choose to be grateful for some of the strengths (as well as the weaknesses) that my parents passed down to me, especially having a strong, survival-focused personality.
Note: Thank you soulinteraction.com for image on right.
chile_vulcano04-640x426They’ve always strove to excel in life—they’re very diligent, generous (at least my mom is when it comes to sharing food with and giving small gifts to family and neighbors), determined, persistent, dedicated, resilient, highly organized, and immaculately clean.
My mother and biological father have also done well in maintaining their youth since they both appear as though they’re in their fifties, even though my mother’s 74 years old and my bio dad’s 78 years old.
They basically take care of their bodies/their precious, earth vehicles through healthy eating, exercise and applying face and body lotions religiously.
Note: Thank you www.wherecoolthingshappen.com for image on left.
breathtaking-beautiful-macro-photography-by-juliana-nan-01My bio dad is the first male I’ve ever known to apply eye cream on a daily basis. At first, I thought it was funny because he seemed metro, but it apparently worked wonders…so why not! I suggested the eye cream idea to my husband, but he replied without hesitation, “Uh NO.”
Fortunately, some souls are more willing to remember their true essence than others, although it may be a long, drawn-out process. Throughout my adult years, the more I put effort towards better understanding, empathizing with, having compassion for, forgiving, accepting, embracing and unconditionally loving my mother (and finally myself), the more I was able to see a little more of her Light/her true self/her Divine soul.
I believe, as I become more positive and remember to love myself unconditionally, I raise my vibration to a higher frequency. This enables me to shift into a more positive parallel reality (out of the infinite parallel realities that are already available) that matches my frequency, since we are constantly shifting into parallel realities, depending on our frequency, in the Moment of Now.
Note: Thank you www.smashingshowcase.com for image on right.
waves-of-symphony-juliana-nanI resonate with Bashar’s (channeled through Darryl Anka) teachings that I’ve read about or watched (via videos) so far; he’s fascinating.
Anyway, my second oldest cousin, who lives in Korea, recently informed me that my mother’s no longer an alcoholic, and that she only drinks on special occasions.
She’s apparently more understanding, patient and kind to our relatives as well.
She also eats healthy, exercises daily, goes hiking in the mountains weekly, grows her own vegetables in her garden, uses a lot of humor during conversations, and watches a lot of positive programs that help uplift her spirit.
Note: Thank you fineartamerica.com for captivating image on left.
SilkSmooth-4I was then able to truly relate to Jesus’ quote about forgiveness:
Matthew 18:21-35
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.”
They say that sometimes, one learns by teaching others. This past Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, my husband and I listened to my husband’s two, former soldiers (who spent the night) vent about some of their stressful work-related and painful personal issues that they were having.
I also wrote about them (D and G) in “Unconditional Love from Angels and Aliens.” D was very pessimistic about life in general, since he had a lot of problems (past and current), and G/the quieter one (who’s suffering from severe PTSD ever since he lost his team in an IED explosion while deployed), expressed his anger, confusion and grief after he had some drinks.
Fire Passion, Image Credit ThinkstockI shared with them my similar struggles, and how I’m continuing to work on improving myself and my life, so that I can be of better service to others as well. I told them how I learned the importance of self-respect and self-love (to include deeply understanding, empathizing with, having compassion for, forgiving, accepting , embracing—all aspects, to include shadow self and ego self—and unconditionally loving self, which helps us to fully do it for others as well).
At one point, I found myself effortlessly explaining to them the reason behind the back-to-back forgiveness that Jesus was talking about…that it’s not just some fancy quote in the bible without any practical use.
I was ready to stop talking had their body language revealed a lack of interest; however, they listened intently like little children sitting around a campfire before story-telling time.
Note: Thank you ugeniaoganova.blogspot.com for beautiful image on left.
rainbow heart Wallpaper__yvt2I gave them an example of something to the effect that within the Love energy spectrum, there are two beings of the same energy, but just different frequencies. The forgiver (the one with a higher/faster/lighter/loving vibration of pure compassion) would be at one end of the Love energy spectrum, while the forgivee (made up word) with the much lower/slower/denser/darker vibration is at the other end of the Love energy spectrum. 
Each time the forgiver forgives the forgivee, the forgiver transmutes (raises the low energy) the forgivee, and the forgivee remembers (slowly but surely), with each baby step, its own light. Fifty or so forgivings later, the forgivee starts to test the water of Being light…77 or so forgivings later, the forgivee starts to Be Light with more confidence. Eventually, the forgivee clearly sees eye to eye with the forgiver at the same end of the spectrum, and they no longer need the very labels that once separated them.
Since I had never even thought about such an analogy, I intuitively knew that it was my true self’s inner wisdom, and I expressed my gratitude for helping me to heal myself and others.
Note: Thank you food-pictures.feedio.net  for colorful image on right.

My earth mother helped me to physically experience and remember that I AM in essence Unconditional Love, and I don’t need anything outside of me (to include the unconditional love from my biological parents) to Be it, give it, and receive it.

Note: Thank you www.stockvault.net for captivating image on right.

What My Friend Mirrored to Me

IwouldliketothankthepeoplewhovebroughtmethosedarkmomentswhenIfeltmostwoundedbetrayedYouhavebeenmygreatestteachers-OprahWinfr_zpsAbout a year ago, I released what no longer positively served me with my soul growth. I had a friend whom I met while I was in the Army, who I used to attend PTSD group sessions with. Like most new relationships, everything was all flowers at the beginning; however, the dark clouds shortly came in, completely covering the once expanding sunshine that was left.
For practically two years, I was bombarded with negativity, to include chronic complaining, cynicism, a bad attitude, pessimism, negative comments, negative feelings, negative intentions (taking advantage of kindness/basically using me for money and cooking her meals often), manipulation (making me feel sorry for her by telling non-stop sob stories whenever I try to talk to her about being less negative), attempts to control (to only be her friend), jealousy (clearly being upset with me having other relationships, to include ones with my sisters–which stems from fear), compulsive lying (making plans and then cancelling at least three times because something better came up, although the excuse that I received was something else), gossiping–not venting (about other friends and 319482family members, which I ended up discouraging), back-stabbing (being disloyal; proof in one of the posts), being two-faced (smiling to my face while resenting me inside with her condescending or patronizing comments that were masked with humor, which I confronted her about and she denied), etc.
I was confused as to what was the more loving thing to do—to continue being there for her because I knew she needed a friend, or letting her go for my own sanity. I wrote a series of posts to heal from these experiences to include, “Remembering to Love Our Soul Brothers and Sisters Disguised As Enemies” and “Choosing to Be My Own Best Friend.”
I saw 4:44 right after I finished the latter post, which reassured me that I was on the “right” path/following Divine guidance from within/following a path that leads to joy, peace, freedom, power, truth, wisdom, creativity and unconditional love. After releasing her, I felt a ginormous load off my back. The next thing you know, a series of positive synchronicities occurred that were additional signs from Spirit that I was on the path of love.
Note: Thank you www.goodreads.com for image on left.
DontSacrificeYourSelfRespectForARelationship_zps6f7e6584My numerous attempts to help change my friend to become more positive failed miserably. She was miserable, and I became miserable. As I worked on changing myself (increasing self-respect, self-worth, self-esteem, and self-love), I made a decision to be honest with her in the most loving way possible for both of our sake.
I told her, “J, you’re my friend, but I’ve become my own best friend, which means I will no longer allow you to continuously bombard me with your negativity. Two years is long enough. As a friend, if I was aware that you were making an effort to change for the positive, I would support you rather than work against you. You know, it’s not easy trying to change for the positive at my age (almost 40), where most people are set in their ways…but I’m working on it. I’d rather be alone, enjoying my own positive company, than be with someone who continuously brings me down, and doesn’t even care in the process.”
blessing-in-disguise2She agreed, but continued to be the way she was (which she has every right to since she’s a free soul who’s soul growth is at her own pace), so we ended up going separate ways. I wished her the best in life, and I will always cherish the few happy moments we had together.
However, I refused to allow her to take me down with her. It would’ve been nice if I was in a place where I was strong enough to lift us both up—being able to transmute another’s negative/low-vibrating energy/frequency due to one’s energy level being very high—but I wasn’t quite there yet.
I believe my friend, like other “negative” family or friends in my life, was my shadow. My ego self had repressed and suppressed my shadow self for so long, that my shadow self manifested in my friend to finally be acknowledged, understood, forgiven, accepted and unconditionally loved.  
However, I wasn’t aware of my shadow self vs ego self back then, so my ego self (still being dominant) chose to judge my friend’s “negative” aspects as separate from my own. 
My friend helped to trigger old and “negative” energy deep within me (e.g., outdated and fear-based beliefs that no longer positively serve me) so that I could have an opportunity to release them in a positive way, and I’m now grateful for that.
happinessinyourlifeThe main, old belief that I had to own in order to release was what no longer served me was that I wasn’t worthy. It was a very deep belief that was ingrained in me since childhood. But the bottom line is…if we don’t respect and love ourselves unconditionally…we can’t expect others to do the same.
I had this belief that if could give her much understanding, empathy, compassion, forgiveness, and love, that I could help her to heal from her past as well, and that we could develop a strong friendship. What I had left out were acceptance and unconditional love, not only for her, but for myself.
Perhaps the fact that I hadn’t had a friend in so long was also a factor in why I stayed in such an unhealthy relationship for so long…just the way we may remain in other types of relationships that we know deep within our souls don’t positively serve us. There weren’t a lot of opportunities to make friends in the Army since the ratio between females and males is like night and day.
The rank factor also doesn’t help since we’re supposed to hang out with those within our own category of ranks; I was the only senior Non-commissioned Officer in my entire Headquarter company at my last unit, besides my leadership.
longing-love-self-loveI later realized that my love for my friend was conditional, rather than unconditional, because I still had expectations for her to put forth effort to change for the better, and to also be a true friend.
I suppose I could have continuously understood her ways, empathized with her ongoing negative feelings, had compassion for her by trying to help her, forgave her back-to-back-to-back, accepted her exactly the way she was, and unconditionally loved her for who she chose to be during the moments.
Note: Thank you self-love-u.blogspot.com for wonderful quote on left.
practice-self-loveHowever, by doing so, I would not be understanding, empathizing with, having compassion for, forgiving, accepting and unconditionally loving myself.
Why should we go out of our way to make others happy when they don’t even appreciate it, when they don’t treat us with the same respect and love that we, too, deserve, and they could care less if we’re happy?
The following two quotes are from Neale Donald Walsch’s book 2 of Conversations with God, “Self-denial is self-destruction” and “Betrayal of yourself in order not to betray another is betrayal nonetheless. It is the highest betrayal.”
My friend’s presence in my life was like an alarming message for me (from my soul) to stop trying to change DCF 1.0others, and to hurry up and look in the mirror—so to speak—and start changing myself first, by recognizing, acknowledging, healing and then releasing the inner turmoil within me that’s reflected through others like a mirror.
That way, I can start working on remembering my true self/authentic self/my soul, becoming my full potential, and creating a Heaven on Earth life. And once I help myself, I will then be of better service to others.
Even though I wasn’t consciously aware of the concept of our outer world serving as a mirror to reflect our inner world back then, I believe my Higher Self guided me to make the “right” choice for the highest benefit of all involved. It would be the start of my journey to finally finding my true love…me. Because until I’m able to fully accept (all aspects of me) and unconditionally love myself, I can’t expect to find it outside of me.

My friend helped me to physically experience and remember that I AM one of the greatest friends anyone can have, and I must first be my own best friend before I can expect another to be a friend.

Experiencing with Expanded Heart and Clearer Vision

learningI believe in the saying that life lessons will continuously return to us (in different forms or through different people) until we finally choose to open our eyes and learn from them. After reflecting on my past experiences, I noticed a pattern.
My need to change others and my outer world, whether it was a friend, my mother, my biological father, my coworkers, or my sister…all lead to the same lesson => they will continuously appear “negative” until I change myself within first by surrendering who my ego self thinks I am (my self image to society that lives in fear) and remember who I truly am…my authentic self/true self/soul/God/Goddess/All That Is/Unconditional Love Energy/Divine Consciousness.
As I raise my vibration to a higher frequency, I will shift into a more “positive” parallel reality that matches my frequency, and reunite with a more positive version of my family and friends as well (as they freely choose to raise their vibration).
Note: Thank you www.trans4mind.com for helpful quote and peaceful image on left.
ic1805_daniel_rc800As I worked on remembering my true self, I even met a new friend. Like most relationships, the beginning was very positive. As the comfort level increased, so did the release of the tsunami of “negative” energy waves.
However, I decided that this time things would be different. Rather than reacting from a previous failed friendship, I chose to follow my heart.
Since I had been working on my own self-worth, self-respect, and self-love, I was able to be more patient and better understanding, empathetic, compassionate, forgiving, accepting, embracing, and unconditionally loving to others.
new-beginning-life-hapy-quotes-sayings-picsNote: Thank you www.ascensionearth2012.org  for awe-inspiring image on right.
I also set healthy boundaries ahead of time to ensure we both had a crystal clear understanding that I would not tolerate habitual negativity, such as chronic complaining without putting forth any efforts to change for the better.
To my surprise, my friend met me halfway, and we worked together to uplift and empower one another. Each time we talked to one another, I noticed that our conversation was becoming more positive, and I was grateful for that.

magical-ocean-sunset-wallpaper-1920x1200What My Main Coworker Mirrored to Me

The following is from my post, “My Exciting New J.O.B. (Joy of Being)” that I’m still working on. My strong attachment to the preschool children in my class, along with a couple of my coworkers (Nina and Jay), made writing this post especially challenging due to the intense emotions of fear and love that it stirred up, creating a dichotomy of heaven and hell on earth.
I’m using the following definition by Neale Donald Walsch:
“A dichotomy is a situation in which two apparently contradictory experiences, evidences, or truths seem to be existing harmoniously at the same time in the same space.
Note: Thank you www.beach-backgrounds.com for breathtaking image on right.

397606181_a00532feb1_oMy main coworker helped me to physically experience and remember that I AM in essence Positive Energy. I AM dedicated in having a positive attitude and positive outlook, and I will now allow my outer circumstances (to include being surrounded by a negative world) to interfere with my inner peace. I AM transforming into my authentic/true self and finally “becoming the grandest version of the greatest vision I ever had about myself” (a Neale Donald Walsch quote), and creating my own version of Heaven on Earth, thanks to my coworkers reflecting back to me a lot of my repressed and suppressed inner turmoil that needed to be triggered, recognized, acknowledged, healed and released.

Note: Thank you bordeauxdailyphoto.blogspot.com for breathtaking image on left.
I trust that as I continue to improve myself, I will eventually see a more positive version of my sister, my former friend, my former co-wrokers, and others in my reality/outer world, since I will basically end up shifting into another parallel reality (out of the infinite number of parallel realities that already exist in the Moment of Now) that matches my higher frequency.

Working on Changing from Within

at-some-point-you-have-toUntil then, I have decided to start temporarily releasing EVERYTHING and EVERYONE who no longer positively serves me on a habitual basis.

I need to get it through my sometimes thick head that I cannot help change others (to become more positive); and if they freely choose to be continuously negative, then they have every right to be that way.
At the same time, I, too, have a right to have my own sense of peace where I’m not constantly bombarded by their negativity.
rainbow-bridge4Since they are only reflecting my own inner turmoil, I trust that as I heal…they will heal, and as they heal (when they freely choose to one day)…I will heal as well, since We Are All One.
I also believe that as I raise my vibration to a higher frequency, and consistently maintain it (in any Moment of Now), I will shift into my version of a heaven on earth parallel reality, where I will reunite with positive versions of my family members, old and new friends, former coworkers, neighbors, and even those once perceived as so-called enemies.
I’ve already experienced a series of positive synchronicities lately, which I believe resulted from my efforts to become my true self. I shared some of the stories in my post, “Embracing the Light and Dark Within All of Us” and “Transmuting One Another with Compassion.” <== Note: Click on title links to view in another window
Note: Thank you rainbowbridge.pamwasham.com  for peaceful image on left.
Rainbow-Bridge-American-Southwest-631I’ve noted that the following have been very helpful with my progress/soul growth (not all inclusive):

  • Will power, dedication, self-discipline, persistence, resilience, trust (in the process/the flow of Life), faith (in God/Goddess/All That Is; believing before seeing)…     Note: Thank you www.smithsonianmag.com  for peaceful image on right
  • transparency, self-awareness, real peace (not being negatively affected by my outer circumstances), untroubled mind (understanding self and others from the heart rather than judging with the limited, ego mind)...
  • 3001131reflection, mindfulness, meditation, vulnerability (ready to face any fears, to include the possibilities of being judged, ridiculed, criticized, condemned, and even making mistakes), eating healthier, exercising (although I’ve taken a 2 week break)…
  • following my path of joy (basically doing what excites me and Being the higher frequencies that ultimately stem from unconditional love energy/our true essence in the Moment of now)…     Note: Thank you twanight.org for peaceful image on right
  • clarity, self-respect, self-love (stems from Being better understanding, empathizing with, having compassion for, forgiving, accepting–ALL aspects, to include the “dark side”–embracing and unconditionally loving of self and others)…
  • inner-wisdom, intuition and other ESP skills such as clairvoyance (paying attention to dreams az_rainbow-bridge_tom-tillright after waking up)…
  • healing/releasing what no longer positively serves me, focusing on thinking positive thoughts (which lead to positive feelings)...
  • having positive intentions, practicing positive affirmations repeatedly to create positive new beliefs that better serve me, transformation and a deep desire to expand my consciousness.       Note: Thank you leonids.us for peaceful image on right
While I was doing something else, I suddenly had an urge to start typing away in Evernote.  I intuitively sensed that my soul desired to co-create with me an expression that would help myself/others, so I went with the flow.
My ego’s tiny voice (it shrinked…it used to shout) said (because it was just trying to protect my self-image to the world), “This message is way too long for Facebook; no one’s going to feel like reading a long-ass message. They’re going to be like, ‘ Rrreally Bobbie….another novel.'”
My authentic self added with much enthusiasm, “Hey, if it fits into that little box, and it even allows me to post it…then it’s not too long at all. This isn’t Twitter you know. Plus, they have the freedom to read it or not read it. It benefits me/us, so I’m just sharing the knowledge and wisdom that inspired me with others…like sharing candy.”

Posted Message to My Soul Family

Note: Thank you healedspirit.com for artistic image on right.
I’ve heard of various teachings above True Love throughout my life (especially from one of my favorite Spirituality teachers, Neale Donald Walsch), but none of them really soaked in…because I wasn’t ready to hear the truth during those times. They say, “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.”
It was only recently that I’ve finally learned/remembered as a soul that True Love…FULLY unconditionally loving of self and others, not only includes choosing to better understand, empathize with, have compassion for, forgive, accept (ALL aspects of self and others), and embrace self and others, but it’s also about giving ourselves and others true Freedom to Be and do what we and they desire to Be and do. After all, we are souls with free will.
I learned that this means releasing the need to manipulate and control others (in any form–whether it be in a subtle way or blatantly obvious way) by trying to make them Be who they are not and do what they have absolutely no desire to do. I like to remind myself that I don’t like it when it’s done to me, so I shouldn’t do it to others, especially those closest to me–the Golden Rule.
Manipulation and control ultimately stems from fear…fear of not obtaining what we believe we MUST have at whatever moment in order to Be happy or feel safe. It’s a path most resistant to happiness because it will ultimately lead to no one being truly happy.
If you’ve ever experienced being manipulated or controlled, you will understand that it doesn’t quite feel good. Our gut feeling (our intuition) will communicate to us that something’s not quite “right,” and that’s because the very actions don’t stem from love, but from a very dense fear energy that doesn’t resonate with our souls’ natural, high frequency.
Manipulation and control are very low frequencies, since they both stem from fear itself, which is the lowest frequency of the Love frequency spectrum. * Repetition is effective.  😉
I’ve learned from my past experiences, and from the experiences of others, that limiting another’s freedom to be their free-spirited self (which includes jealousy, another low frequency) only further pushes that person away.
I even told my husband, “If you ever happen to meet someone else who just blows you away, and you would much rather spend your moments with that person…please let me know. I may go through my natural phase of hurt, but I will understand and I will wish you the best; and in the end… I will be okay, as well as happy.”
They say hindsight is 20/20 for a very good reason. Whenever I reflect and examine my past life experiences with a positive attitude, I noticed that I gain insight and inner-wisdom from my especially “dark” experiences. EVERYTHING happens perfectly for our soul growth.
Once we recognize and acknowledge our so-called “dark” experiences as life lessons, we will find Be at Peace within ourselves. We will then realize that everything in our lives fell into place perfectly like a HUGE, beautiful puzzle.
I never imagined that I could say something like that to my partner since no one desires to lose what they love so dearly.
However, the more I remember about true love, the more I wish to truly Be it and experience it since it is our true essence to Be Unconditional Love, which we spend the majority of our lives searching for.
The irony of it is that it was within us all along. We are the Unconditional Love Consciousness that we’ve been deeply yearning for all of our lives. And it’s not “out there,” but rather, within us.
Even the Ascended Master Jesus said that the kingdom of God is within us and all around us–you, me, humanity (not just a particular religion), the billions of galaxies within our universe, other universes, other life forms, and the multiverse.
The more we unconditionally love ourselves, the more we find ourselves loving others unconditionally. I’m still working on FULLY loving myself unconditionally because I still catch myself being judgmental about myself and others from time to time.
One of my goals is to have an untroubled mind, which is having the ability to observe self and others with an understanding heart/right-brain centered (i.e., seeing through the eyes of Universal Love) rather than a judgmental mind/left-brain centered.
I noticed that the more I focused on Being the higher frequencies (the highest frequency within the range of Love being pure compassion, since it takes that extra burst of love energy to Be it) such as Gratitude/Appreciation/Love/Joy (especially excitement, passion, and a great sense of humor)/Peace (not Being negatively affected by outer circumstances)/Our Truth/Wisdom/Freedom/Creativity (co-creating with our souls within)/Power (to be our fearless, authentic and loving selves)…the more positive I became.
The next thing you know…my outer world started to reflect my inner world (since our outer world serves as a mirror to reflect our inner world) as I witnessed many positive synchronicities (3 or more coincidence-like positive occurrences that seemed too good to be true).
When we focus too much on the negative, then we can notice that we experiences a lot of negative synchronicities (i.e., everything that can go wrong goes wrong).
I then understood the deep meaning of “changing within first” to see change on the outside. Rather than trying to change others and the outer world, I realized that I must change first.
A positive perspective, a positive attitude and a positive outlook are very powerful tools. Like they say, two people can see the same situation in two opposing ways–one negative and one positive.
When we choose to be pessimistic, we will ALWAYS/ALL WAYS find a reason to complain chronically, be cynical, whine endlessly, think negative thoughts, feel negative feelings, be irritable, etc.; and the next thing you know…we not only drive others way, but we can’t even stand our own company.
However, when we choose to Be an optimist, we find ourselves habitually thinking positive thoughts, feeling positive feelings, having positive intentions, doing positive actions and activities that help us with our soul growth, envisioning positive dreams, setting positive and healthy goals, aspiring to become our full potential SELF, learning/remembering who we truly are (our essence), and just simply Being high frequencies that stem from Unconditional Love Energy.
The next thing you know, because we’ve been continuously reminding ourselves of who we truly are, we’re able to Give these wonderful gifts to others because we’re confident that we are the abundance that we yearn for as well.
The more we Give of our time, our patience, our understanding, our empathy, our compassion, our forgiveness, our acceptance, our embrace, our attention, our active listening ears, our hearts, our “unconditional love” and even our material gifts…this sends a message to the universe that shouts, “I AM mental, emotional, physical, material and spiritual Abundance!”
And the universe responds with a BIG smile, “You Are indeed, since you can’t give what you don’t have!” The next thing you know, Universal Love sends us more blessings from our magnificent universe because we’ve habitually shown our appreciation (for what we have in the Moment of Now–even if it’s small stuff), and our faith that we are what we desire in our hearts.
It’s much easier for us to see the so-called “bad” and “ugly” in others; the true challenge is to look deep within ourselves and be honest with our own weaknesses and strengths, and our own Darkness and Light.
I’ve learned that self-awareness is most certainly the magic key to unlocking the door to our own full potential self, and our own version of Heaven on Earth. And until we’re willing to work on ourselves FIRST…we will continue to have the same life experiences.
If we’re happy with where we are, then there’s obviously no need for change; however, I had to check myself, and acknowledge that I was not where I wished to be.
I believe we are ALL capable of Being the “grandest version of the greatest vision we ever had about ourselves” (a Neale Donald Walsch quote), and living our own versions of Heaven on Earth…and our souls/the Divine part of the Omniscient, Omnipresent, and Omnipotent Father God or Father Sky/Mother Goddess or Mother Earth/All That Is can help us to Become our FULL potential.
I just wanted to share that with myself/others. Have a great HUMP Day/Wednesday! 😉

beautiful-sunshine-wallpaper-3-213484-1-s-307x512Videos That Helped Me

 The following videos were helpful for me: (Click title below to watch from another window)     

Note: Thank you www.appszoom.com for peaceful image on right.

Note: Thank you Violet Maya Burge for the image on left. 

823898-bigthumbnailWhere there is darkness, let me bring light.

– St. Francis of Assisi


~ by Bobbie on December 2, 2013.

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